


Dive Right In

by rogueofpandas



Series: All Rivers Return to the Sea [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: A Lot Of People Are Mentioned, Albino Dave, Alternate Universe - High School, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Aquaphobia, Cliffhangers, Cliffhangers will be explained in the next installment, Depression, M/M, Mexican Karkat, Mutual Pining, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-10
Updated: 2017-04-13
Packaged: 2018-05-13 02:26:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 27,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5691175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rogueofpandas/pseuds/rogueofpandas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat watched perplexed for a few minutes, it seemed that the sun-glasses clad blond was almost terrified of the water, shaking as the crowd of teenagers around him tried anything to get him into the depths of the two foot kiddy area. He sighed, deciding to alert them of his presence to help the poor kid they had surrounded, stood and padded over, making sure his bag and towel were on the chair so no grubby fingers would be tempted to steal it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Ankle Deep

**Author's Note:**

> Woah! I've had this idea for a while (another fanfiction had a little element of this in it and gave me the idea) Now this is going to get super sad (my specialty) after a few chapters, seeing as how this will be based around Karkat and his inner emotions and depression.

It was too hot, the heat wave hitting Washington unsuspectingly. Thankfully it was the last of the season, but it didn't change the hot thick air that gave old women heat stroke. Ice cream stands had lines hours long, and stores were quickly running out of ice to sell. It would be torture trapped outside, and it felt like death the second you were blasted by the muggy thick air.

And that was exactly were Karkat was, outside after being locked out of the house by his father. His brother had the great idea to drag him to a overcrowded water park, the screaming children and pee filled chlorine water did nothing to sooth his fraying nerves. He usually loved the water, swimming on most days that he had free. It helped to clear his mind and calm him down if he was angry of upset about something, it gave him time to just _do_ and not think so much. But the additive of overcrowded annoying people and the sweltering heat was off putting today. His brother had wondered off to talk to some of his friends who were here, but the younger Vantas had nothing of the sort for hundreds of miles. Or, that's he he thought at least.

While he was trying to relax in a poolside chair he managed to snag, he heard a characteristic laugh that he knew from the deepest depths of his mind. It resembled nails scratching on chalkboards, a cackle of a fire raging and charring a burning house to shambles. And a panicked glance to his right showed him exactly what he knew he'd find. Terezi stood with her hands on her hips, a power stance as she leaned back with the force of her laugh. He tried to find the source of the humor, finding John a few feet away trying to coax a tall blonde figure into the pool water.

He watched perplexed for a few minutes, it seemed that the sun-glasses clad blond was almost terrified of the water, shaking as the crowd of teenagers around him tried anything to get him into the depths of the two foot kiddy area. Karkat sighed, deciding to alert them of his presence to help the poor kid they had surrounded. He stood and padded over, making sure his bag and towel were on the chair so no grubby fingers would be tempted to steal it.

“What the fuck are you guys doing this time?” Karkat asked stopping by Terezi and motioning to the poor boy stood in ankle deep water clinging to John like an octopus. She only chuckled and slapped him on the back, making him thankful he wore a shirt because fuck her boney fingers hurt.

“Well Davey here just moved here at the beginning of the summer, and it turns out he's scared of water! How hilarious is that Karkles?” Said blonde squeaked as John took another step deeper into the water, bring the total height up to about mid shin.

“Oh my god” Karkat mumbled under his breath, “John, let him out,” He spoke to the boy in the water whose smile looked like it was going to split his face in half before turning to the girl at his side. “And you, don't encourage John.” When she opened her mouth to defend herself he spoke over her, “I know this was your doing, who else would it be? And people can be scarred for life by shit like this, you don't just put him in a pool and expect it to work.”

He watched her mischievous grin sink into a pout, motioning for John to let the other out of the water. “But crab-cake you don't get it! Dave is such a cool guy we thought nothing could scare him! But its just measly old water, and when we challenged him to get in he accepted. We didn't force anything onto him.” Karkat listened as he watched to make sure John didn't 'accidentally' drop him further into the water as he let him crawl onto the side of the pool.

Dave stood and brushed himself off as if he could salvage any drop of dignity after how quickly he scrambled to get away from the water. “Anyway, Karkat this is Dave. Dave, this is Karkat.” John said as he clambered out after the taller boy, motioning between the two during the introduction.

“I'd like to formally apologize for these idiots and their shenanigans.” Karkat spoke, and the other shrugged it off and adjusted his glasses. “It's cool, usually this crazy shit they do is funny, but when its you its just downright mean and abusive.” He turned to Terezi at this, placing a hand over his heart and pulling a dramatic tone. “Oh Tez, why would you ever want to see me in pain? What happened to the love? The commitment we made in the dark that nig-” Terezi immediately cut him off with a smack to the hand over his chest, knocking him off balance slightly and causing him to panic momentarily.

Dave's voice was nice, it sounded like he was from somewhere in the south, it was also on the deep side. It took a few moments for what he said to really sink in, the banter and conversation already continuing without him. "Wait what?!" Karkat exclaimed, making the group around him quite and turn to face him. "Is no one going to comment on what the fuck just happened between you two?" He demanded, glare shifting between the blonde and Pyrope.

"It's not real kar-" Terezi tried to say but Dave cut her off by pulling her into a crushing hug, squishing her head against his chest. "It's true Karkat, we're in love! I'll yell it from the rooftops and dance about in the streets!" At this he started bouncing around, dragging Terezi behind him in a crude and ludicrous 'dance'. 

John stood beside him and leaned in to whisper, "He's just joking, his sense of humor is strange but contagious." Karkat only nodded and watched Terezi shove the other aside in favor of holding her side as though her laughter was going to literally bust a gut.

He was ultimately thankful for confronting his friend and getting involved in their shitty shenanigans, even if it resulted in them being kicked out of the pool hours before it closed due to 'noise and language complaints'.

He learned some about the new addiction to the group, how he was from Texas and had a sister. How he had an eye problem that made him sensitive to light, how he was the 'coolest' guy on the planet (how he could say that after the whole pool water fiasco was beyond Karkat, he only nodded with the most belittling and sarcastic 'Yeah? Is that so?). 


	2. Ocean Panic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He had his back to the sun but Vantas could guess that the pinks were starting to turn to greens and oranges, color bouncing off of the small dust of clouds behind the taller boy. It was a nice moment that he tried to soak in, the cold water lapping at his shins. The warm hands hesitant in his, the colors reflecting off the taller boy's glasses. A group of seagulls flew overhead, landing a little ways down the beach and pecking at the periwinkles appearing in the wake of a receding wave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dave has a panic attack in this one! My type of attacks are a little different from his (kinda like how i mention Kankri's, their mostly internal) So i'm super sorry if i got Dave's wrong! I tried to make it kinda panicky and jittery, let me know if i did a good job or not!

Karkat hated the winter, sure the chill in the air was a nice change from the heat of summer, but it also meant he couldn't swim as much. The ocean would be too cold in weeks, plus most pools would be closing down, the only remaining open one was the at the gym across town, and the membership was way too expensive.

So he was getting in all the time he could, spending most of his free time in the water. Sometimes he did laps, other times he just floated and listened. It was a quite afternoon, the sun would be setting soon, and Karkat just relaxed and let the gentle waves rock him.

He thought about how school was going, the new people who moved in this year, and the new classes and teachers. It was only about a month into his junior year, but it was already getting hard to deal with, and when the water became too cold it would only get worse. He wasn't looking forward to it so, he mentally shook himself to clear his thoughts and started wading back to shore.

He sat down on his towel with his toes digging into the cooling sand, letting his eyes search the horizon and the slowly setting sun. For what he didn't know, but he let them wonder down the shore line, watching the few pedestrians who were out walking around. One woman jogged by with a dog, the animal smelling of ocean water, stopping to sniff and let Karkat give it a light pat before it trotted after its master. He sat for a long time before the sound of his text alert brought him back down to earth, reaching into his beach bag to grab the device with his wrinkled fingers.

turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling CarcinoGeneticist [CG]

TG: yo karkat  
TG: did you do the history homework  
TG: i tried conning john into doing it like a chump he is  
TG: maybe steal his lunch money while im at it

Karkat sighed and replied before the other boy went on a ten minute long conversation with himself about whatever it was that shit itself out of his empty brain and into the dark haired boys inbox. This had become a regular occurrence since the blond managed to get his long grimly fingers on Karkat's handle, from all hours of the day it was just wall after wall of bright ass cherry red arguing with himself.

CG: NO I DIDN'T DO IT  
  
TG: what why I thought you were smart  
TG: what happened to all those good grades and getting into collage and other smart kid bullshit

CG: WHO TOLD YOU THAT  
CG: KARKAT VANTAS? SMART?  
CG: WHOEVER YOUR SOURCE IS SHOULD BE BEATEN AND CUT THEN THROWN INTO A POOL OF VINEGAR FOR SAFE MEASURE  
CG: I JUST DIDN'T HAVE TIME

TG: time  
TG: somehow im having a hard time believing that  
TG: im finger gunning at you but you can't see it man im so good at word play high five dave nice one  
TG: what do you even do with all your free time  
TG: i never see you hanging with tez or john or any of your other weird and slightly frightening friends

CG: MY FRIENDS ARE FINE  
CG: EVEN IF THEY ARE SLIGHTLY FRIGHTING  
CG: AND IM BUSY

TG: yeah i get that  
TG: but with what

CG: IM AT THE BEACH CURRENTLY  
CG: HAPPY? IM A NERD SWIMMER GO AHEAD AND GET IT OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM  
CG: HAHA KARKAT ENJOYS AN ACTIVITY LETS ALL GATHER AROUND AND POINT AT HIM  
CG: HOW DARE HE HAVE FREE TIME AND SPEND IT DOING SOMETHING HE ENJOYS

TG: im on my way  
TG: youre at the north beach right  
TG: the one closest to your house

Karkat was almost shocked at the others reaction even though it wasn't out of character. Dave was known to be impulsive and follow through with anything, and Karkat didn't doubt that he was walking to the beach right now. He lived in the same general area, although on the other side of the neighborhood and the beach was a good middle way between their houses. What he was concerned with the sun that was only about a mile from the horizon now.

CG: I KNOW I CAN'T CHANGE YOUR MIND ONCE YOU'VE MADE IT  
CG: BUT DON'T YOU THINK IT'S KINDA LATE?  
CG: I WAS JUST ABOUT TO HEAD HOME

TG: nah man im already halfway there if i turn around now ill be bored and tired  
TG: and im not in the mood for a nap

CG: FINE  
CG: IM SITTING ON THE SHORE A FEW YARDS TO THE RIGHT OF THE ENTRANCE

Karkat locked his phone and put it back in his bag, knowing that Dave would be there soon. He only hung out with the taller boy a few times outside of school, and usually it was with a crowd of friends all going out and doing things. They did share history together plus the same lunch period, so he guessed Dave was okay. A little sarcastic and hard to read, but other than that he was cool compared to some of the other people Karkat hung out with.

He got lost in his thoughts again, lulled away by the sound of the seagulls playing, the waves slowly breathing up and down the sand. Another person plopping themselves down on the towel next to him snapped Karkat out of his thoughts, making him jump slightly and snap his head around to stare up at the taller blond.

“Sup.” Dave didn't look down to the other person, keeping his gaze on the blue lapping slowly on the edge of the shore. “Hi.” Karkat replied, looking away to watch the sun slowly sink closer and closer to the edge of the world, the blue sky turning purple and pink.

“Why do you like the water so much?” Dave asked breaking the silence, making Karkat raise an eyebrow. “It's calming.” He watched the other boy nod but knew he didn't understand. He thought about how weird he was, he could talk for hours over text but as soon as he was in person he clammed up. He could make the offhanded sarcastic remark or slapstick one-liner that got a crowd busting a gut but he was kinda shit for actual conversations.

He'd mentioned it to John one day, who was closer to the blonde than Karkat could ever imagine being, and he said something about how he needed time and pushing to open up. He swore on his life that some of the deepest conversations he'd ever had were with Dave, but Karkat could barely believe it.

They sat in silence for a little while longer before the other boy stood and toed his shoes off, reaching a hand down to help the shorter off of the towel. Karkat glanced at the hand with hesitation but accepted it anyway, allowing himself to be pulled to his feet.

“Show me.” Dave motioned to the waves with one hand, and he looked completely calm if only for the slight tightness in his jaw and the twitching of his fingers. Karkat only stared at him in disbelief, knowing the one thing the other boy was made fun of for the most was his irrational fear of water. “You... Are you sure?”

Karkat watched with narrowed eyes as Dave nodded, sighing and leading him toward the water. This could only end in disaster. Dave followed slowly behind him, stopping about a foot away from where the waves crawled up the wet sand. Karkat stood with the water to his back, feet slowly sinking in the moving sediment beneath him, and held out a hand to the taller boy.

He seemed hesitant but accepted his hand anyway, and Karkat would have left right there if the small whispered _"No homo"_ had been loud enough not to pass off as the ocean. Karkat took a step back, now officially putting his foot in the water and not just on the bank. Dave stood firmly still, feet dirtying in the dry white sand.

“Just one step, you can stay on the bank but at lease get a little further out.” Karkat coaxed with concern slowly leaking into him as the hand in his slowly started to shake. Strider stood for a few more moments before clenching said hand and moving his foot toward a receding wave. The appendage flinched but stayed put as the wave came back, the cold water washing the sand away and slowly sinking them both.

Dave was almost quivering now, face scrunched up behind his shades and whole body shaking lightly. His worry must have shown on his face because the taller boy mumbled something about it being cold out and the cold water under his breath before moving the other foot to rest beside the other. Without thinking Karkat took the other hand in his when it was held out to him, clamping the shivering fingers in his tightly as he took another step back.

He tugged lightly on Dave who inched forward, basically crawling with his toes but making progress nonetheless. Karkat could wholeheartedly say he was impressed, Dave looked to be in great distress and from how different that was from his usual passive face was astonishing. Even with the shades that covered a good ninety percent of his freckled covered cheeks, Vantas watched mesmerized as color slowly seeped into the paleness.

Strider swallowed and took yet another step forward, almost at the end of the bank and water ankle deep when it was at the peek of the wave, and Karkat couldn't help the small smile that crawled its way onto his face. “You're doing a lot better than I thought you would,” He spoke softly, just above a whisper as if any louder would spook the other back onto dry land. _“Shut up.”_ He immediately snapped back and the light giggle that escaped him would have been mortifying if not for the circumstances.

He had his back to the sun but Vantas could guess that the pinks were starting to turn to greens and oranges, color bouncing off of the small dust of clouds behind the taller boy. It was a nice moment that he tried to soak in, the cold water lapping at his shins. The warm hands hesitant in his, the colors reflecting off the taller boy's glasses. A group of seagulls flew overhead, landing a little ways down the beach and pecking at the periwinkles appearing in the wake of a receding wave.

He took a short moment to study the sunset reflection, and his gaze slowly wondered over the others face without him really realizing. Dave was pale but covered in freckles, all sharp features and strong chin line. His hair was a confusing mix of frizzy-curly and being styled to look flat and smooth, so light it was almost white.

Suddenly the hands in his were violently ripped from his firm grasp and Dave scrambled backward, getting to the fluffy sand in record time. It surprised him out of his thoughts, stunning him so he stayed put watching the other run his hands through his hair a few times while pacing back and forth, entire body visually shaking. Fuck. _Shit._

“Dave.” He called out as he walked over to the other, noticing that he wasn't breathing right. “Woah, Dave look at me.” He caught the others hands in his, having to forcefully remove one from his chest and into his own grasp, stopping his walking. He was breathing irregularly, and his entire body seemed to shake under his gaze.

“Dave I need you to breath with me okay? Just breath, watch me okay? In... Out... In, _no_ Dave watch me, okay? I'm right here, okay?” Karkat was trying his best to stay calm, knowing the symptoms for a panic attack from a mile away. His brother use to have them often when he was younger but he learned how to either control it or suppress the situations that caused them. For all he knew he hid them, but what Karkat knew was that he never saw the older Vantas get like this anymore, and therefore he was a little rusty. That fact, and his brother always was the 'heart-attack' type and not he 'hyperventilation' type.

It took a while until the sky was a deep red and the sun was inches from being fully set before the taller boy was calm enough that Karkat felt safe to let him walk home. He hardly said anything, just nodding or shaking his head, and the younger boy was fine with that. He could understand well enough when Strider decided not to talk.

Sure it shook him up, but he couldn't stop thinking about how he made Dave go further into the water. He probably caused the attack, if he had let him stay on the bank then he would have felt more comfortable, wouldn't have been so far from his comfort zone. He pushed him too far, and now he probably hated him.

And Karkat felt horrible for being _proud_ of himself for getting Dave out that far on his own two feet. He felt sick with himself for remembering the moment with the sunset and the seagulls and enjoying the memory, in wishing he could do it again. He hated how he liked the feeling of helping someone, even if he was the cause of the problem.

He tried to stay clear of Dave for a few days, and the other didn't seem to mind. Karkat just hoped he didn't hate him, didn't think he was judging him. But he was too scared to ever bring it up to ask about it, and just let the experience between them wither and die in the next few weeks. No one else asked him about it, and he didn't tell anyone, so it was just forgotten, no matter how much Karkat would like for it to happen again. No matter how much Karkat didn't forget. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments? Tell me what you liked or what i can fix!!


	3. Pier Insight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TG: are you hiding  
> TG: are we playing hide and seek now  
> CG: NO YOU'RE JUST INCOMPETENT AND RUSH TO CONCLUSIONS  
> TG: are you in the part down by the woods  
> TG: that fucking dock is creepy as shit  
> TG: and dangerous too im surprised they havent torn it down yet  
> TG: fuck this sand is hard to walk in  
> TG: im taking my shoes off  
> CG: THE DOCK IS WONDERFUL AND YOU'RE JUST A PANSY  
> TG: are you on the fucking dock  
> CG: NO  
> TG: i swear to god karkat

Karkat literally could not take another minute of not being in some body of water. He would fill up his bathtub and soak for hours, nose barely above the surface until either his brother or father would kick him out. Whenever it rained he would stand outside for as long as he could, going on runs through the thunderstorms and returning home hours later soaked and heaving.

There was one spot in particular he loved, a tall pier a ways down the beach that overlooked large jagged rocks, where the waves were violent and relentlessly churning between the stone and wood planks. He would sit here for hours memorized by the sound of the ocean so far beneath him, and the seagulls calling above. Sometimes, on days it was especially hard to breath, he would climb over the railing and just stand, hands white knuckled around the damp wood and eyes glued to the drop.

His phone went off loudly, making him jump, feet slipping and a strange mixture of panic and sick excitement rising in his throat before he regained his composure and clambered back over, choosing to sit with his feet hanging between the rails as he pulled out his phone, seeing his chat light up. Who would be messaging him right now?

turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TG: yo karkat  
TG: what are you doing  
TG: im hella bored and tez has another doctor appointment  
TG: i demand to be entertained

He felt a strange sense of deja vo creep into his mind as he responded to the message, cursing the other boy for his uncanny timing.

CG: OKAY, FIRST OF ALL FUCK YOU WHAT IF I'M BUSY? WHY DOES EVERYONE AUTOMATICALLY ASSUME THAT I HAVE NO LIFE  
CG: I DO THINGS  
CG: LOTS OF THINGS  
CG: ACTUALLY THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW, AND ALSO I DON'T HAVE TO DEFEND MYSELF TO YOU ANYWAY  
CG: AND SECOND OF ALL YOU CAN'T JUST DEMAND ANYTHING FROM ME  
CG: THERE IS A STRICT APPOINTMENT SCHEDULE YOU CAN ACCESS THROUGH MY ACCOUNTANT, MAYBE SHE CAN SET YOU UP A TIME IN FUCKYOUEMBER

TG: i know youre not doing anything right now  
TG: if i had to guess youre either standing outside the gym starring longingly into the pool or at the beach  
TG: there is a slim chance of you being with sollux but i doubt it youve been too moody lately to hang out with anyone  
TG: to which everyone assures me that this is normal for you  
TG: seasonal depression or some crap  
TG: but really man its starting to get sad watching you mope around  
TG: so hang out with me

CG: I HAVE NOT BEEN MOODY  
CG: ITS TOO COLD TO SWIM RIGHT NOW  
CG: I JUST MISS IT IS ALL

TG: youre at the beach

CG: AND HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?

TG: i just do  
TG: despite what you think were friends and i can read you like a book  
TG: a really shittly written paper back with a horrible photoshopped long blonde haired man riding a white horse down a sandy beach  
TG: the kind of stuff only you and shy but sexy librarians read

CG: ALWAYS WITH THE LITERATURE BURNS, YOU GOT ME I ENJOY THINGS OUT OF THE ORDINARY  
CG: BURN ME AT THE STAKE AND THROW MY CHARRED CORPS INTO A LIONS DEAN  
CG: ALSO COMING FROM THE GUY WHO HAS A LITERAL COLLECTION OF DEAD THINGS PRESERVED IN JARS

TG: bro  
TG: bruh  
TG: stop typing im about to school you  
TG: those things are priceless  
TG: reelects of their time really  
TG: literal reelects  
TG: stop tying that was funny and you know it

CG: LAME

TG: im almost at the beach where are you  
TG: at lease i know youre not in the water since youre answering these messages  
TG: so the usual spot or

Karkat was surprised, the other had managed to distract him enough with the pointless conversation and banter that he completely forgot the reason Dave had messaged him in the first place. He quickly scrubbed at his face, his eyes were puffy and nose still a little red from where he had been crying some time earlier.

CG: WELL SUCKS FOR YOU  
CG: THATS WHAT ASSUMING GETS YOU STRIDER, LITERALLY NOTHING  
CG: IM NOT AT THE BEACH I TOLD YOU

TG: shit i don't see you  
TG: but you have to be here  
TG: are you hiding  
TG: are we playing hide and seek now

CG: NO YOU'RE JUST INCOMPETENT AND RUSH TO CONCLUSIONS

TG: are you in the part down by the woods  
TG: that fucking dock is creepy as shit  
TG: and dangerous too im surprised they haven't torn it down yet  
TG: fuck this sand is hard to walk in  
TG: im taking my shoes off

CG: THE DOCK IS WONDERFUL AND YOU'RE JUST A PANSY

TG: are you on the fucking dock

CG: NO

TG: i swear to god karkat  
TG: of fucking course you would be  
TG: where else but the slippery death trap suspended thirty feet above a bunch of rocks

CG: NO!

TG: i can literally see you karkat the end of that thing sticks out past the trees you idiot  
TG: im waving at you wave back  
TG:: karkat wave at me

Karkat glanced up and found Dave standing down on the beach, phone in one hand raised in a almost frantic wave, his shoes in the other. He was dressed casually, just a t-shirt and jeans, shades on his face like always. He was too far away for Karkat to tell anything else, so he gave a light wave in reply, watching as Dave lowered his hand and typed away at his phone before starting to walk again.

TG: get away from the edge  
TG: that looks fucking terrifying

CG: I HAPPEN TO ENJOY SITTING HERE  
CG: IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM THEN DEAL WITH IT

TG: okay first of all  
TG: no one could enjoy that  
TG: not unless you have a secret craving for death  
TG: second of all  
TG: why are you still there i said move  
TG: im not stepping foot on this thing come over here

CG: FUCK YOU

TG: im going to start throwing shit soon

Karkat turned over his shoulder to find Dave rooting through the underbrush at the beginning of the pier, it was a long walk and he doubted that Dave could throw that far. But, he still stood and made his way toward the other. As strider found what he was looking for and looked up, arm posed to throw, only to realize that Karkat was complying he lowered it slightly in obvious disappointment.

He waved with the still raised hand, posture relaxing and digging his phone from his pocket. Karkat approached him soon enough, an eyebrow cocked and arms crossed. "So why exactly did you interrupt my oh-so peaceful afternoon and force me to come over here?" Dave's eyebrow slowly rose over the brim of his massive shades, pointing a finger at the other. "Have you been crying?"

Karkat was taken aback for a moment, and he knew the pause gave him again but he barreled through anyway. "Fuck no, I have nothing to cry about, other than you interrupting my sweet alone time." He stood straighter and glared at the other, waiting for himself to shove his foot further down his throat like he always did.

"Okay that can't be true because you enjoy hanging out with me because I'm great, so whats up?" Karkat sighed and turned away, walking back toward where he had been sitting. "No- Karkat wait," He glanced over his shoulder, watching the blonde step onto the wood before immediately recoiling back onto the grassy sand. He tried again, getting a few steps toward the shorted boy before freezing.

"Go back Dave, I don't want to deal with this right now." He took a few more steps forward, getting about halfway to the end before glancing back again. Dave was a little further than he had been, face tilted down and hyper focused on something by his feet. His shoulders were hitched, hands balled into fists, and Karkat could tell he was on the verge of another freak out. "Dave." He called out, watching the other slowly raise his head, another bad sign, "Go back. I'm okay, really."

But the blonde only shook his head before slowly drifting back down to his feet. Karkat mumbled under his breath as he made his way back toward the other, who was less than one third of the way out, before standing before him. Dave seemed to be fixated on a hole in the wood, the water just barely visible in the small opening.

"Dave," He reached a hand out and lightly gripped the others arm, "Let's go back, okay? I don't want to be here anymore." The taller boy gave a stiff nod, letting Karkat guide him back to the sand. He instantly relaxed once he had both feet on the earth, returning to his normal self like nothing had happened. The only thing that gave him away was the way he swallowed thickly.

"Wanna go see a movie?" Dave asked, voice accented slightly, "Your pick." Karkat smiled and nodded, letting the other lead him back down the beach. He gave one final glance over his shoulder to the dock, shoving the longing deep in his chest aside as he stepped onto the wooden pathway leading out of the beach area and into the parking lot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments?


	4. PTSD: Please Treat Strider with Delicacy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Alright so, I'm just going to put this out there. You and John were being idiots like always; you get decked the fuck out, I mean like slammed dunked, your ass hit the ground hard; and then you start acting weird like we're all about to jump you and beat the shit out of you.” Great job Karkat, the amount of finesse in whatever just spilled out of your loud trap was record breaking. “All I'm asking is: what the fuck?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: mentions of a nose bleed.

“I'm sorry!” Dave clung to his hair desperately, some of the blonde strands pulling lose in his grip. “I'm sorry!” Karkat hovered above him with his hands hesitantly raised, scared to touch him but wanting to comfort his friend in some way.

He gently laid his hand on the others shoulder but the way he violently flinched away made Karkat retract his arm. “No! I'm sorry, _please!_ ” The blonde sounded like he was begging for his life.

“Dave? Dave, you're okay.” He tried again, keeping his hand on the others back where he started rubbing small circles. “Dave, c'om no one here wants to hurt you. We're all okay, you're okay.”

He felt the others breathing and how ragged and uneven it was, glancing up to the small crowd that gathered around them. “Give us some space you animals!” He barked, only for Dave to flinch violently, “No, Dave, listen I need you to breath okay? Breath with me, in and out. In and out.”

They had been hanging out with a large group of friends, like always, and Dave and John got into a fight about some stupid shit. They wrestled around for a while, pulling their punches, but John lost his footing and landed a hit hard on the others face. Dave went down almost surprisingly easily and sat for a moment on his ass stunned, but when John went to step forward to apologized and look at the others bleeding nose Dave scrambled away and curled up into a ball.

Karkat was the first to act, his instincts kicked in and demanded that he take the lead and handle the situation. Even if he was fumbling and completely unsure of how to handle this, or what was even going on, he'll be damned if he didn't try. He shooed everyone away, or as far away as their nosy asses would move, and tried to coax Dave out of whatever was happening.

He decided that maybe it would take time for Dave to calm down, and sat beside him so he could still rub his back as he glared the crowd away. They slowly dispersed, some going to console John who seemed torn up about what happened. Karkat kept his hand moving in slow circles, feeling Dave's breathing slowly even out with the occasional hiccup. “Dave?” The blonde slowly eased his grip on his hair, lifting his head and glancing at the other from behind his skewed shades.

“Alright so, I'm just going to put this out there. You and John were being idiots like always; you get decked the fuck out, I mean like slammed dunked, your ass hit the ground _hard_ ; and then you start acting weird like we're all about to jump you and beat the shit out of you.” Great job Karkat, the amount of finesse in whatever just spilled out of your loud trap was record breaking. “All I'm asking is: _what the fuck?_ ”

Dave laughed, and his entire demeanor changed. he uncurled himself and leaned back on his arms, fixed his glasses and smoothed his hair. Karkat was stunned. “I guess I just know when to back out of a fight.” Nope, he takes it back, Karkat was pissed.

“No, you don't get to do that.” Dave shot him a confused face but he just barreled on.

“You can't act like that and scare all of us, hell John is over there about to cry because he thought he really hurt you, you can't just act like that was all some sort of joke. This isn't your 'irony' thing, I know you by now. This is like the water.” He watched Dave's shoulders tense and knew he struck gold. “Something just fucking happened and I demand an explanation so I know how to handle it next time.”

“Okay, first of all: _fuck you_. I don't have to explain shit to you, and this won't happen again. And second of all: it's- it's nothing.” Karkat raised an eyebrow at the falter, knowing that it definitely wasn't nothing. He watched Dave wipe a little bit of blood on his sleeve, almost obsessively scrubbing at his nose and chin trying to rid himself of it.

Karkat sighed and sat up on his knees, grabbing Dave's face in one hand scrubbing at his face with the sleeve of his hoodie. He focused on the task at hand, licking his thumb and wiping at a small section on his chin that seeped into his pours and stained lightly, and Dave didn't seem to mind or feel the need to speak up so Karkat continued.

It's only when he glanced up and saw the others eyes staring at him intently through his shades did he hesitate. “Dave?” That seemed to snap him out of whatever trance he had fallen under, his eyes glanced away and he cleared his throat.

“Sorry- you just- I uh-” Karkat raised an eyebrow at the others obvious fluster, slightly amused but also kinda worried that he would start begging for Karkat not to hit him or something. “You have _blue_ in your eyes.”

**_What_ **

“What?” Karkat asked, thoroughly confused. “Yeah, I do. Why is that so important?” Dave held up his hands, causing Karkat to become acutely aware of how close they were and leaned back slightly.

“Nah man it wasn't like an insult or anything, it's more of uh- observation. I just never noticed is all. It's surprising.” Again, Karkat raised his eyebrow.

“Your fucking weird. And this isn't a way for you to get out of explaining whatever it is just happened.” Karkat sat back and stood, lending a hand to help Dave stand as well, “I'll make you explain all this weird shit about you one of these days. Mark my words, Strider.”

Dave chuckled and accepted his hand, pulling himself to his feet with Karkat as an anchor. “Yeah yeah, in your dreams.”

Karkat explained to everyone that Dave was fine, just surprised and definitely not scared that John was going to rip his ass in two (with as much sarcasm he could muster into his voice) and they all went back to throwing snowballs at each other and goofing off like normal. Karkat just wished he could stop catching himself looking at Dave, making sure the other was still alright as the asshole laughed and stuffed a handful of snow down Terezi's shirt.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments? I love them! Tell me what you like, what you don't like! If i got something wrong, or if you'd like to see something special in the upcoming chapters!


	5. Daveja Vo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat stood and stepped up on the railing, swinging his legs over so he sat on the warped wood. Where the horizon ended and the ocean began was blurred, everything being a dull grey and the occasional cry of a seagull. The waves were at high tide, crashing against the jagged rocks violently beneath him and spraying cold water onto the peir.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: thoughts of suicide, heavy implications of suicide, depressing thoughts,
> 
> Also: I'm posting this early so if there are errors I'll fix them when I get home! I just wanted to go ahead and get this up

It wasn't like Karkat was sad or depressed like everyone made such a fuss about, he just didn't feel... well, anything really. It all slowly seeps away until he's left with a void, a gap in his chest. It's not uncomfortable, just predictable; days bleed into weeks, bleed into months as he forgets to eat, doesn't do his school work. Life stops altogether, continues without him.  
  
He couldn't track his thoughts, spaces out and loses hours at a time. Forgets what he feels, forgets how to handle situations and deal with other people, so he secludes himself to prevent from having to relearn. Apathy and pessimism make everyday a chore, and it was tiring. All he ever did this time of year was binge sleep then stay up for days, all or nothing.   
  
He missed having the comfort of the ocean, the escape it provided and how it helped him think and focus. He begged his dad for some money to get a gym memberships, a pool was better than a tub, but they were so low on cash he almost felt bad for even asking.   
  
His bare feet swung in the open air, the mist off the waves crashing below him was chilly, and he pulled his sweater tighter around his hands. Karkat was back out on the dock, his only safe haven where he could go and at least try and think, but it wasn't working. It was a foggy day, overcast and dreary.   
  
What would happen if he disappeared? How long would his dad and brother search for him until they gave up? How far in debt would they put themselves in trying and find him? Would they have a moment of silence at school? What kind of rumors would start? That he joined a cult and lived in the woods? That he was murdered? Was a murderer?   
  
Who would cry? Who would miss him? Who would forget he existed in under five years? Would there be a slide show of blurry pictures of him in the background because he hated taking photos? Would his friends still remember what he looked like, his favorite color, favorite movie?   
  
Would it all cease to exist? Was life only a simulation? Was this just a test run to see if he would actually cave in and jump?   
  
"Stop." He mumbled to no one but himself, shaking his head to clear his thoughts. He came here to think and figure stuff out, not dig his hole deeper. Think about what he wasn't sure, but certainly not this mess.   
  
Karkat stood and stepped up on the railing, swinging his legs over so he sat on the warped wood. Where the horizon ended and the ocean began was blurred, everything being a dull grey and the occasional cry of a seagull. The waves were at high tide, crashing against the jagged rocks violently beneath him and spraying cold water onto the pier.   
  
He was okay. Mostly okay. Kinda okay. As okay as he could be at this time and point in his life. _Happiness came to those who wait_ , his father always tells him, _you'll be happier once you're grown._ In truth Karkat was stuck in a small town, living in a financially unstable home, grades were shit so goodbye collage (as if he could pay for it anyway without a major debt). He didn't know what he wanted as a profession, didn't know where he wanted to go, what to do.   
  
It was frustrating, more so than anything else, the amount of unsure he was about everything. How was he suppose to make these life changing decisions? How is he suppose to handle that pressure and just accept it, like it's normal, like everyone else knows exactly what they want out of life when Karkat can't even find the worth in living.   
  
His phone buzzed in his pocket, had been for a while now, but he ignored it, not wanting to talk to anyone. He slipped off the railing and onto the other side, toes curled over the edge of the pier and gaze glued to the rocks. He could do it, he could jump, he wouldn't he knew that, but he could.   
  
It went off again, the vibrations so different from the sway of the dock, pushed and pulled by the powerful waves. The buzzing stopped but a ringtone replaced it, someone was calling him now of all times. The universe hated him, he was convinced.   
  
Without even climbing back to safety he removed the device from his pocket and checked it, not that surprised by the wall of cherry red that greeted him. He ignored the call and glanced over the messages wondering for the millionth time why Strider wasted his time trying to reach out to him. It's not like Karkat would ever do the same.  
  
turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling CarcinoGeneticist [CG]   
  
TG: yo karkat   
TG: so youre not online but really when are you ever so im just going to ramble   
TG: so basically every conversation i have with anyone ever   
TG: just me   
TG: rambling to myself   
TG: and forcing someone through the misfortune of suffering through all my witty one sided banter and jokes   
TG: im on my way down to the beach   
TG: im really bored and when I tried to talk to tez she blew me off and told me to go there   
TG: not sure why but ive stopped questioning her by now some of the shit she knows is creepy as fuck   
TG: especially for a blind girl   
TG: not that a disability makes someone stupid and unaware of their surroundings   
TG: Its just that she seems to know too much   
TG: im starting to think her and rose do some freaky voodoo shit together with how theyre both always dropping hints like goddamn tictaks   
TG: drops a tictac   
TG: seductively bends down and picks up tictac   
TG: not that I'm think of my sister shaking her ass in the air as she gently removes a small mint from a dingy tiled floor   
TG: or one of my best girl friends   
TG: friend that is a girl notice the space its important   
TG: it just popped into my head   
TG: a whole box of tictacs   
TG: dropping them like hints at the guy youve had a crush on since you moved here with prom only a week away   
TG: dude it is so depressing outside today why did tez send me here   
TG: no one is at the beach not even those super cool stray dogs jade plays with sometimes   
TG: i think Ill just walk around a little   
TG: maybe find a cool seashell or something washed up to add to my jar collection   
TG: shit the water is so high right now   
TG: and the waves are pretty big too like violent almost   
TG: whats with that   
TG: youre the ocean expert you tell me   
TG: why do waves move   
TG: i know it has something to do with the moon or some crap   
TG: wait i think theres someone on the dock   
TG: wait is that you   
TG: karkat are you on the dock   
TG: why are you climbing onto the railing thats not safe you need to get down like now why am i still sending you these its not like you have your phone out anyway you haven't read any of this fuck im just going to call you shit great perfect now youre on the other side where it is definitely not safe   
  
Another call popped up as Karkat finished reading, and he knew the other was down on the beach staring at him, that he couldn't ignore the call. Well, he could, Dave couldn't come out here and stop him with the water and all. But still he slid to accept and held the phone up to his ear, tightening his grip on the wood and giving a nonchalant "Hello?" into the speaker.   
  
"Move, right now I swear to god Karkat, you need to get the the safer part of the pier yaknow the part behind the railing maybe; I wonder why it’s there in the first place, maybe to keep people like you from falling in and drowning!" Dave had a panicked tone to his voice, clearly upset by the situation.   
  
It made Karkat snickered lightly, "Dave you're rambling again." He looked down to the beach where Dave held his phone to his ear with one hands and motioned frantically with the other as he spoke.   
  
"Of course I'm rambling! My best friend is literally inches from death! Could you care about your well being for maybe one second?!" He started walking again, trying hard in the loose white sand.   
  
"We're best friends?" Karkat had to admit, that surprised him a little bit. It's not that him and Dave were distant, it's just that fact had never be solidified. He guessed now of all times was incredibly cliche.   
  
"If I say yes will you come down from there? And not toward the water? The deadly deep and rock filled water?" Now he just sounded frustrated, still trying to make his way down the beach, but his hurry was counterproductive making his stumble around in his haste.   
  
Karkat had to suppress a smile, Dave overacted about pretty much everything always, and it made for good entertainment. "And what if I don't? What are you going to do?"   
  
"I'll- I'll do something! Drastic and dramatic and in the moment!" The desperation and seriousness in Dave's voice caught him off guard, almost as much as the violent mental image of Dave drowning because of him.   
  
Karkat's voice caught in his throat for a moment, but he recovered quickly and nodded his head mumbling a "Yeah alright". He slipped the device into his pocket after hitting speaker and clambered back over the slippery wood, starting down the long walkway. "Happy now?" He asked, and licked his suddenly chapped lips.   
  
"Very" came a crackled sigh from the speaker, "What were you doing up there anyway?" Karkat thought for a moment for a real answer. To think? He hasn't done much of that.   
  
"To taste the air and breath," he settled with, the smell of the salt air being spayed up onto the pier helped to calm his fraying nerves.   
  
"You are one weird kid, yaknow that?" Dave sounded relieved, thankful that Karkat was safe.

  
"Coming from the guy who can't even take a bath,” he pointed out, never missing an opportunity to tease the other boy.   
  
"Touche." Dave had come to terms that he would never live it down, just accepted the lighthearted jokes with ease.     
  
Karkat sighed as his feet hit the sand, it sticking to him with his feet still being a little wet but he didn't mind. Dave met him halfway, waving and ending the call as they approached each other. "So," The other started, letting the word trail off as he thought of something to say.   
  
"So?" Karkat repeated, clearly confused.   
  
"Where are your shoes?" Dave asked, pointing to Karkat's damp and sand covered toes.   
  
"Just inside the parking lot near the water spout." Karkat kicked at the sand with his heel, sending some onto the blonde's shoes, who scoffed at the action.   
  
"How many more times am I going to find you up on that deathtrap, it’s getting ridiculous." Dave asks with an undertone to his voice, one that Karkat didn’t recognize.

"Just until it warms up, I'll be in the safe part of the ocean then," Karkat felt a little embarrassed, caught in one of his moods.   
  
Dave gave a short humorless bark of a laugh, "No part of the ocean is safe."   
  
"Touche" He had to suppress a smile, letting it tug on the corners of his mouth.   
  
"What do you wanna do?” Dave asked, assuming they would hang out now that they were together.

Karkat shrugged and motioned vaguely with his hand as if that would suffice as an answer. Dave only shook his head and started walking back down the beach toward the parking lot, waving the shorter boy to follow him.

"Wanna go rummage through the thrift store and make fun of the clothes?" Dave asked with humor in his voice.   
  
Karkat smiled and nodded his head, "Sounds like a plan," and felt a little better as they walked together, save for the creepy sense of deja vu.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments! I love them!


	6. Sickness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “For someone hacking up a lung you look entirely too pleased with yourself.” The voice snapped Karkat from his daydream, the shorter boy looking up from the book he had been reading before his thoughts caught him. “Did they kiss?” Dave asked, motioning to the literature in Karkats hands from where he stood in the doorway, hip leaned against the wood as if he had been standing there a while.

Karkat was stupid, sure. He made bad choices, everyone did and it was his own fault too. So he could deal with his punishment, he would learn from this lesson and wait. _Good things come to those who wait_ _,_ his dad always told him, _and you’re too impatient_ _._

It was just so tempting and right there in front of him! How was he suppose to just ignore and pretend after so long without. It was maddening, and he didn't regret a second of it. He can still feel the rock and sway if he closed is eyes and really thought about it. The only downside was the way his entire body ached, and his head felt simultaneously so far away and so grounded.

“For someone hacking up a lung you look entirely too pleased with yourself.” The voice snapped Karkat from his daydream, the shorter boy looking up from the book he had been reading before his thoughts caught him. “Did they kiss?” Dave asked, motioning to the literature in Karkats hands from where he stood in the doorway, hip leaned against the wood as if he had been standing there a while.

Karkat shook his head, “No, not yet, their still pinning and refusing to accept that the other likes them. I was just thinking about the water, it’ll be warm enough soon.” He set the book down on his bedside table, watching Dave snort and make his way over to sit beside him.

“The cold didn’t stop you the first time.” He pointed out, lounging back on his elbows and shooting Karkat a look.

Karkat snorted and swatted at the other, barely missing the edge of the blondes glasses, “I just couldn’t go another minute without the water.” Karkat missed the salt and the current with all his heart, his body craving it.

“I know, I know.” Dave dismissed the information and batted Karkat's away, having already heard this speech a thousand times by now. “You could have told someone first though.”

“But then you guys would ha-“ Karkat cut himself off with a violent cough, covering his mouth with the elbow of his sweater. He groaned and flopped back onto his pillows, throat on fire from the force. “Would have told me not too.” He spoke at almost a whisper, knowing that they would have been right.

“Well ya'know, chicken noodle soup cures everything.” Dave said, scooting forward into the others field of visions so he could watch Karkats face contort into a strange mixture of confusion and amusement.

“Because that’s how science works.” He shot back, voice filled with sarcasm.

“No really!” Dave bounced on his knees, now practically leaning over Karkat in enthusiasm, “Every time I get sick that’s all I eat!”

“That’s sounds awful, all three meals? Just chicken noodle soup?” Karkat asks as Dave laughs, a real genuine laugh that makes his eyes crinkle.

Dave crawls off the bed, bounding out of the room with, “I’ll go make you some,” thrown over his shoulder in haste before Karkat could object. Great. Perfect.

The first day it was moderately warm Karkat skipped school and sprinted down to the beach, spending all day floating in the cold water and soaking up the sun. His friends panicked when he didn’t show up; talked to their siblings, who told his brother, who called his dad saying that Karkat wasn’t at school. The first person to find him out to sea was Dave, who left school early and checked the beach.

He got an earful when he came to shore, Dave chewing him out for making everyone worry, but it honestly confused Karkat. What was wrong with Karkat not showing up for one day? It’s not like he actually disappeared, or anything worse. Just swimming, honestly they should have known.

When he got sick his dad told him he deserved it, that it was punishment for not only skipping school, but also for swimming when he knew it was still too cold. And Karkat agreed that yeah, it was stupid, but he couldn’t shake this giddiness in his bones at the idea that it’s going to _keep_ _getting warmer_ _._ Within a few weeks he’ll be able to _swim again_. He’ll be able to feel the sand in between his toes and the salt in his hair; watch the colors bleed and change during sunsets.

He picked up the book again and continued where he left off, content in waiting for Dave to get back from under the warmth of his covers and propped against the pillows. The loud crash from down stairs scared him, but Dave appeared not a moment later with a bowl gripped in one hand, a glass of juice in the other.

Karkat laughed at the concentrated look on the others lips, the way he bit his lip and took each step with caution. The bowl was hot so he set in between his legs, the comforter insulating the burn from his flesh, and Dave set the cup down on the table.

“That was quick”, Karkat quipped as he brought the spoon to his mouth, blowing on the soup so it wouldn't burn going down.

“Yeah well, emptying a can into a bowl and microwaving it is so hard.” Dave shot back, returning to sitting on the bed with crossed legs facing Karkat.

Karkat chuckles and reached for his glass, picking it up and raising an eyebrow at the murky liquid inside. “What the fuck is this?” He give Dave a look over the brim, the other only looking confused.

“It's chicken broth, it'll help you get better.” He spoke honestly, Karkat could tell Dave wasn't joking. It wasn’t ironic or a prank.

“Dave. Are you saying that the only thing I get to eat or drink while I'm sick is chicken broth and maybe some noodles?” Karkat deadpanned, setting the warm glass back down onto the table.

“Well, not if you don't want to, but it'll get you better faster so you can go swim again.” Dave held up and hand and lifted a finger as he counted, “First, it helps keep you hydrated. You need at least eight glasses of fluid a day when you’re sick. Second, the steam from chicken soup helps relieve a congested nose and throat. I can keep going if you want.”

Karkat laughed but nodded anyway, “You're really passionate about this. Alright, educate me on the herbal remedies that is chicken noodle soup,” picking his spoon back up and taking another bite he shot Dave a smile as the other sat up more, readying to give one of his long drawn out speeches.

“Well, hot chicken noodle soup is a potent mucus stimulant, especially when it is loaded with shit like pepper, garlic, hot curry powder, and other pungent spices that help to thin out mucus in your loud mouth, throat, and lungs.” He started slowly using his hands as he talked, motioning in the air as if it would help get his point across.

“Chicken also contains a natural amino acid called, uh, cysteine? Which is similar in chemical make-up as a drug called.. I can't really remember right now, but doctors give it for bronchitis and respiratory infections to help thin mucus and make it easier to hack up.” Dave took a breath as if to continue but Karkat held up a hand, stopping the other in his schooling.

“Dave?” Karkat sighed and mirrored the others earlier actions, holding up a hand as he counted off. “Okay so, first of all; it's kind of really fucking sad that you know all of that. Impressive, but sad. Second of all; I know you're huge into biology, or science, or whatever, but really man.” Dave made to defend himself but the sick boy cut him off with a pointed cough in his direction, the blonde grimacing and mumbling under his breath about 'germs' and 'angry sick assholes trying to infect everyone'.

“Thirdly; this is actually really good and not bland crap like you love, thanks for actually adding seasoning like a decent human being. Fourth; why? Just why the fuck do you know so much about fucking chicken noodle soup of all things?” He picked his spoon back up, finding the soup to be that perfect temperature to chug and it still be warm.

“Well, as you know bro is really awesome but can be a little... neglectful, I guess. When I was sick I had to come up with ways to get better myself, he never bought medicine or anything so I would buy cans of dollar chicken noodle soup and eat that. It always helped.” In the lull of a response from Karkat's end, the other too busy giving him a sad look, Dave powered through it in a vain attempt to ignore the shorter boys frown.

“It's not like that was a bad thing though, it made my immune system stronger and now I never get sick. I could french you and still remain unaffected.” Dave realized what he said a little too late, already rambling of in an attempt to cover his tracks.

“Not that I'm thinking about kissing you, just that you're super sick and gross right now; and the bad kind of sick not the 'ill get over it by tomorrow' but the 'I'm probably going to die this is what I want on my tombstone.' Speaking of which, would you rather 'I died the way I lived: screaming.' or 'actually just don't read this'?

Karkat just gave Dave a blink, tilting his head and trying to process everything that just tumbled out of his mouth. “Well, actually I think I'd like 'Fuck Off' on it instead, so I can curse people from beyond the grave.

Dave threw his head back in a bark of a laugh, still chuckling as he stood and grabbed Karkat's now empty bowl and the glass of untouched broth before leaving. “Get me some real juice you barbaric shit!” He called out after the boy, only getting a snarky toned reply too muffled to hear. He might be able to get use to this, Dave hanging around more than usual just to feed him soup and make sure he took his medicine.

Karkat settled back into the blankets, now warm and full and content. He dozed a little bit, waking in a daze as Dave returned to the room only to give him a small soft smile and lean against the doorway. “Yeah, you need your rest Kats, ill wake you up in a few hours when it's time for your next dose.” He spoke softly, walking to the bedside table to turn off the lamp and set his juice down.

Karkat has no idea what made him do it, maybe it was the drugs in his system, the still half-asleep stage he was in, the feeling of being full with the delicious soup, he would blame it on all that and more when he woke up. But he shot a hand out once Dave turned off the light and made to leave, catching his wrist and pulling slightly, Dave complying and sitting on the edge of the bed. “What's up?” he spoke in a whisper, a hand petting the dark curls and sending Karkat deeper into the rabbit hole.

“Stay?” Was all he could ask, already falling back asleep as Dave nodded and scooted him over, making room in the bed and laying down beside him. Karkat would blame the cold, literal chill in the room and the sickness clearly clouding his judgment, but he curled up into the taller boy's side, head resting on his chest and sighing in content as Dave continued to pet through his curls. He slept long and deep, only waking once Dave left the bed to retrieve the next round of night-time cold and flu.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments?


	7. Message in a Bottle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I just wanted to get some stuff off my chest. And I figured that instead of ripping it up or burning it I might as well do something rad.” Dave tossed the bottle from one hand to another, studying it with such an intense gaze that it seemed like he had stared at it before, that he thought about this long and hard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank TheSurvivedRose for all of your support and love, you helped motivate me to write this chapter!!

The wind over the water was strong, the nighttime breeze flowed from the sand dunes to the ocean. The chill was just setting in, the sun finally set and darkness slowly consuming the night sky.

Karkat took a moment to just _breathe._ The air was slightly painful, the cold stung the back of his throat. The sound of the waves crashing against the bank, high tide, the cry of seagulls fading into a noticeable background noise. Just loud enough to chase his thoughts away, but soft enough to not be deafening.

He seemed to always find a way to think himself into a slump. It always caught up to him, no matter what lengths he went to. He would read, but end up spacing out just staring at the pages. He would go on walks, but he always seemed to be in his own head. He would listen to music in hopes to drown the words away.

It was always fruitless. He always found a way. The only thing he could find that seemed to work were his friends. They were always a distraction, always fun and exciting. Except for when his insecurities got the best of him, the ideas that they all secretly hate him. That they only interact with him through pity. That he was annoying, always said the wrong thing, always too much.

He was doing it again, thinking more than enjoying. He changed his pace from a leisurely stroll to a comfortable speed walk, changing direction so he could start walking back to the parking lot.

He saw someone way down the beach, he did walk pretty far. They had their hands in their pockets, standing a yard or two from the shore. As Karkat slowly grew closer he realized who it was, picking his pace up again to jog over to the person. Irrational happiness flooded his brain, happy to have found a distraction before he sunk himself into a mood.

“Dave!” He called out to the boy, watching the other jump and turn to him, raising a hand in greeting. When Karkat got close enough he stopped his run, slightly out of breath from the cold air and the distance he jogged.

“What's up? Dave asked, tilting his head slightly. Karkat knew Dave for a year now, so he caught on the the others small quirks that gave off what he was feeling, and something told him Dave was off tonight.

“Just out for a walk. What about you? Why are you out here?” Karkat was slightly worried, but shrugged it off.

“I.. don't really know. Just felt like it I guess.” Dave shrugged simply, and Karkat nodded knowingly.

“Well, sorry if I disturbed you.” Karkat made to walk away toward the parking lot, but Dave snapped out a hand and caught Karkat by the wrist.

He seemed to realize what he did and pulled away quickly, like Karkat was made of lava. He only gave the blonde a confused look, watching as the other worked himself up to say something. He could see it in the way his jaw moved side to side, the way his hands twitched at his sides.

“I actually came here for this,” he reached into his pocket and pulled out a transparent bottle, a few pieces of paper rolled up inside.

“A message in a bottle? What does it say?” Karkat asked a little surprised.

Dave huffed a sigh and shrugged again. “Stuff.” He motioned with his hand as if that would help explain.

“That's actually kinda cool.” Karkat admitted, putting two and two together to figure out that the message was probably something important to the boy, and that's why he was hesitant to part with it.

“I just wanted to get some stuff off my chest. And I figured that instead of ripping it up or burning it I might as well do something rad.”  Dave tossed the bottle from one hand to another, studying it with such an intense gaze that it seemed like he had stared at it before, that he thought about this long and hard.

“Dope.” Karkat was hesitant, “Why don't you throw it in? The tide is high and probably strong. Perfect to take it far away.”

“Yeah, you're right.” Dave looked hesitant, like he really didn't want to part with the bottle, like he was second guessing himself. But he seemed to steel himself, taking a step or two back from the water, before running and chucking it as far as he could out into the water, an impressive distance.

Karkat watched the bottle fly away, end over end, with a strange sense of longing. He wanted to know what was inside, what meant so much to Dave that he had to give it to the sea. But as it splashed into the water he knew he would never know.

“Do you… Wanna talk about it?” Karkat asked, knowing the answer before the question even left his mouth.

“Nah. Mamma ain't raise no bitch.” Dave said it like it was common knowledge, and it surprised a bark laugh from Karkat.

“Wanna hang out?” Karkat asked instead, feeling suddenly lighthearted. He didn't mind that Dave wasn't very vocal with his emotions, he figured the boy just needed time. Although they had been friends for almost a year now, and the doubt that he never would was prominent, he still held hope that one day they would grow closer.

He didn't know why he felt this... need to know the boy. To understand him and the reasons why  he was who he is. He wanted to know about his past, know about what he wanted for his future. He almost creeped himself out with it, the infatuation he held for the other.

But he brushed it off as Dave accepted his offer, as they walked together back into town. wandering the streets with the other boy was relaxing and kinda spooky. The streetlights gave the night a serene feel, something from a scene in a movie. No one was out, no cars around in the middle of the night.

They always seemed to find conversation, usually about nothing in particular. That was until one of them brought up a serious topic, usually after a lull. This time it was Dave, his hands tapping his legs as he walked, some beat only he could hear.

“If you died today, is there something you would regret not doing, or something you would regret not saying?” Dave spoke quickly, as if he didn't get it out now he never would.

The question caught Karkat off guard, taking a minute or two to think about it. “Why? Where is this coming from?”

Dave shook his head and shrugged, “Just answer it”

Karkat was quiet for a moment, thinking his response thoroughly. What _would_  he regret?

Not telling his friends he loved them? Not being more open and affectionate? Not being a good son? Not being there for the people in his life?

Would he regret not traveling? Not going to college? Always being an asshole? Never knowing what to say, so he just rambles?

“I think I'd regret… Not telling the people close to me that I love them. I hate the fact I'm too awkward, have too much pride to be affectionate.” He spoke honestly, swallowing with the silence he was left in. “What about you?”

Dave spoke almost immediately, a noticeable wobble in his voice, something only Karkat could pick up on. “Not that I'm copying you or anything, I am my own man, but honestly I'm the same. I'm angry at myself for not being genuine more often. I'm always fucking around to push people away, to keep them from getting too close.”

Karkat nodded his head, understanding where the other was coming from. That's where most of Karkat's anger came from, the front to keep people from seeing the sadness that lurks in him.

They continued their walk for about an hour or so before Dave brought up a proposition. “Wanna sleep over at my house?” He asked hesitantly, as if he was expecting Karkat to immediately say no.

The way the tension in his shoulders and the small dimples in his cheeks depended told Karkat he was happy with the answer of a simple “Sure.”

So they wandered back in the general direction of Dave's house, taking their time and enjoying the mood in the air. It was still chilly, comfortable but just enough to raise goosebumps. The yellow and murky light cascading down onto the sidewalks made the darkness between them even deeper, the soft sound of their shoes hitting the pavement was the only noise, other than the subtle sound of crickets and other animals rummaging around in their own lives.

The worse thing about going to Dave’s house were the stairs. He lived on the top floor, and the elevator was broken, had been the entire time he’s known Dave. After just a few flights Karkat tapped out and sat down with a huff before noticing a small stain on the flight before them, an odd feeling settling in his chest without any reason as to why. It looked like someone had gotten hurt, an obvious darkened spot contrasting to the light grey around it. 

“Weak.” Dave spoke, voice echoing in the small concrete space. He sat down next to Karkat, the width between the railings gave them little room, Dave’s knee and thigh pressed up against Karkat.

He couldn't help but notice how warm the other boy was, heat rolling off of him like a furnace. So Dave sighed and gave into temptation, leaning his whole body into the side of the other boy, soaking up the warmth and resting his head on his shoulder. He didn’t know what reaction he was expecting, but certainly not the other boy leaning against him too, resting his head on the blonde's.

They sat for a few moments, Dave realizing after a while that the angle dug his glasses into his face. So he took them off without really thinking about it, the stairway was dingily lit anyway. He gripped them in the hand resting on his lap, before watching Karkat reach out to take them, both hands hot against his as he unfurled his grip manually and took them.

Karkat seemed more interested in them than Dave could understand, watching as he turned them over in his hands, inspecting them thoroughly. Dave closed his eyes and tried to memorize this moment, the way Karkat was pressed up against him, the warmth of him compared to the cold concrete. Seeing him earlier, the streetlights, the stars.

“What is holding you back from being the person you want to be?” Karkat asked the question in a whisper, not needing to talk any louder with how close they were. It took Dave by surprise, his eyes opening from where he got lost in the moment. He thought for a moment, chewing his lip.

“I would have to guess my pride. I’m too… uncomfortable with myself i guess. I have to make sure everyone thinks i’m cool and aloof, that emotions are for noobs.” He didn’t want to over think the question, just deciding to say what came to mind first. “What about you?”

Karkat took more time to answer, not sure where he stands with himself. “I would have to say myself. I’m too caught up in my head, i can’t just enjoy something, i always have to overthink it.” He felt Dave’s head nod under his, enjoying the way the boy leaned on him. He was surprised by how nice this was, the closeness. The way Dave’s hair was absurdly soft against his cheek, the way his glasses were in his hands and not on the boys face.

He took that as an accomplishment. Even if he couldn’t see his eyes, he still thought just being with him while they were off was a step. A baby step, sure, but it was progress nonetheless.

Karkat decided that he had caught his breath, they were already halfway there and sitting on a bed would be much better than a concrete step. He nudged Dave’s head with his shoulder, making to stand when the boy leaned away from him. He handed the boy his glasses, intently watching his face, but he kept his eyes closed until they were in their rightful place. Karkat felt disappointed but swallowed it down, unsure of why.

The rest of the walk up was silent save for the loud sound of their footsteps bounding up in the small space. Dave’s house was always cluttered, neither him nor his brother were very fond of cleaning, and Bro had enough money to buy whatever crap he wanted. Not that he shared much with Dave, but he never really seemed to take offence to how awful his guardian treated him. If anything he glorified his brother, and sometimes Karkat worried for him.

His bedroom was the same, messy but lived in. It felt welcoming despite how hard it was to maneuver around without stepping on something. Dave immediately went into his closet and retrieved some snacks before shuffling over to his computer chair, Karkat already made himself home on the boys bed. He was tossed respected drinks of apple juice and some chips, which he ate gratefully as a midnight snack. He didn’t even know what time it was, and he didn’t really care.

Dave booted his computer up and started fucking around, seeming to just waste time. Karkat sat and watched him, the way his room was dark other than the glow of the screen, the way it framed Dave. His hair took on a blue tint from the screen, the way his jawline and cheekbones were perfectly visible from where he sat. Karkat just stared, taking in the other boys appearance while he had the chance. Dave turned around faster than Karkat could look away, and he smiled a huge genuine smile. One that showed his dimples, that crinkled his eyes, that make his cheeks look so big. Karkat could only smile back, dumbfounded.

“Whatcha thinkin’ bout?” Dave asked, a tired slur in his voice, but such a happy sound to it. Karkat soaked it up, how relaxed and at home Dave looked. It was rare, but he ate it the fuck up every time he saw it.

“What would make you totally content right now?” Karkat asked the question, not even thinking about it before it came tumbling out of his mouth. His giddiness got the best of him. Dave’s reaction was unexpected, at first he seemed thoughtful, but then an unknown looked crossed his features before the wall went up. Fuck.

Karkat wanted to know what it meant. What uncategorized emotion he didn’t know, something about the other that he wasn’t familiar with. What thought made him clam up, made him push the other boy away?

“I’m sorry i didn’t mean-” Karkat tried to apologize, for what he didn’t know, he just knew he upset the other boy. But he was cut off by Dave, his voice smooth and easy, a facade Karkat knew well.

“Nah man it’s fine. I think more food would make me content.” _Liar_. 

“Oh.” Karkat had no idea what to say.

“What about you? What would make you content?” Dave asked it, a spiteful undertone to the question. It was moments like these he wished he didn’t know Dave this well. He didn’t want to upset the other, make him mad at him. He wondered why he was upset. He wished the boy would open up to him, tell him what was bothering him.

“I.. i’m not sure. I think I am content. With you.” He didn’t think of the response, just said it. He seemed to be doing that a lot recently, and he cursed himself for the way he worded it. He watched Dave’s face contort, like he ate something sour, before he swiveled back around in his chair.

Karkat sighed and fished out his phone, lying down and trying to shove the unsettled feeling from his chest. He probably made the other feel uncomfortable, made him weary of Karkat, which was the last thing he wanted. He heard the ding of a chat on Dave’s computer, and a flash of jealousy ripped through Karkat as he heard the other turn off his sound.

He slowly dozed off, only sounds were the occasional sound of Dave typing to whoever he was talking to at this hour of the night. Other than him of course.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments?


	8. The Plate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “No! It’s all my fault, I ruined everything, i’m so sorry!” Dave tugged at his hair, the force shaking his glasses from his head and onto the floor among the sharp shards of the plate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's short for a reason just trust me, also, more coming very soon!! do not fret!!

Karkat woke up in a daze, the sunlight streaming through the window hit him just in the right angle to make him want to roll over. He shifted, kicking the sheets to the floor and moving onto his stomach. The morning was lazy and warm, something he could get use to as summer grows closer and closer.  
  
The realization that this bed wasn’t his, the sheets didn’t smell like home, startled him as he sat up quickly and scanned the room, confusion and fear gripping his veins. When he saw the messy floor he relaxed as he realized where he was, the room achingly familiar. The smell of the pillows reminded him, again, of where he was, and he allowed himself to lay back down and breath for a minute.  
  
The sun was warm in the small places it seeped through the curtains, and the sheets were surprisingly soft. The air was stagnant but cozy, without a breeze for a blanket to ward off, it was nice to just lay and enjoy the small moment of waking up. It wasn’t always a pleasure.  
  
Waking up was usually a chore, something he never looked forward to doing. Getting out of bed seemed to be the hardest part of his day.  
  
He could see the dust float through the air, hear a few birds on the roof singing to each other. The sound of the neighborhood beneath them was somewhat soothing.  
  
He smiled and shifted around again, getting more comfortable wrapped around a pillow that smelt nicer that it should. A soft sigh from the doorway made him jump, looking over his shoulder to find the source, arms crossed and hip leaning against the frame.  
  
“You look like a cat all curled up like that,” Dave spoke with his soft accent showing through, the early morning and grogginess being a good excuse. Karkat let a smile tug at the corners of his mouth, not wanting to give the other the satisfaction of getting a snarky reply. Not this early in the morning.  
  
Instead he sat up and stretched out his back, hearing it pop, before looking at the other boy expectantly. The smile he was meet with sent goosebumps down his spine and arms, the warmth in the room spiked to a hot heat. It wasn’t a smile he saw often, any smile of Dave’s that wasn’t a sneer, or ‘ironic’, or just a reflex from a good joke, was always a surprise.  
  
It’s not like Dave didn’t smile often. This one just felt different.  
  
A flash passed through Karkat’s mind, the grimace from the night before. It was such a contrast to the happiness flooding off of the boy from across the room, left Karkat with a much better feeling. He almost forgot about the whole thing.  
  
_“I think I am content. With you.”_  It wasn’t a lie.  
  
“Come’on i’ll make us some grub.” Dave threw his head back, presumably toward the kitchen, but the force threw him off balanced slightly, having to stumble slightly to catch himself, hands outstretched to grip the doorway. He shuffled away quickly, clearly embarrassed, and Karkat just laughed quietly to himself.  
  
He took a few moments to just breath. The giddiness in his bones felt weightless, made him smile even when he was alone. Even when nothing was funny. It was never this easy, never this simple to just live. It was nice.  
  
A loud crash startled him, sending him to his feet and down the hall before he even thought about it. The house was always a mess, and trying to get anywhere quickly was just asking for a disaster, how Dave and his brother managed to teleport across the apartment was beyond him. Panic seeped into his throat as the house grew eerily still and quiet, save the rustling of him making his way to Dave as quickly as he could.  
  
He rounded the corner to see Dave standing in the middle of the kitchen, staring at the ground where a few broken plates lay shattered in pieces. The blonde whipped around to face Karkat, and his gut sank with the knowledge that this might be another episode.  
  
Dave immediately backed up into the counter, hands up in defense, face tight behind his glasses, and Karkat could see from across the room how he was already starting to hyperventilate. He could see the way his shoulders started to shake, how his knees caved and he ended squatted in the middle of the shards, hands finding their way into his hair, grabbing and pulling tight.  
  
“I’ll clean it up! I promise!” Dave spoke with such guilt in his voice, such desperation that Karkat was floored for a moment.  
  
Finally Karkat moves, walking up to Dave slowly with his arms outstretched. “Dave, it’s just an accident. It’s okay we’ll clean it up it’s fine.” He spoke quietly, such a contrast to Dave’s loud apologies.  
  
“No! It’s all my fault, I ruined everything, i’m so sorry!” Dave tugged at his hair, the force shaking his glasses from his head and onto the floor among the sharp shards of the plate.  
  
Karkat neared the boy and knelt down to his level, trying to be aware of the mess around them. He gripped Dave’s hands in his, transferring the crushing grip from his scalp to Karkat’s own palms. “Hey, Dave? Look at me, it’s okay. It’s okay,” His words were soft, trying to coax the boy from his tremor.  
  
Dave just shook his head violently, “I’m useless, i'm a burden, I break everything, I should have been more careful!” The words were softer, less panicked but he still sounded so sure of himself. Like he truly believed the words he spoke.  
  
Something in Karkat clicked. Dave had been _trained_ to think like this. That’s why he acted so strange sometimes, someone genuinely convinced him that he was horrible. A burning heat of anger flooded his veins, he wanted to find whoever it was and beat the shit out of them. But his mind veered into the depressing side of it.  
  
Who could be so awful to such an amazing person? How could someone, even unintentionally, let something like this happen. The thought of Dave going through something this traumatic to elicit this kind of behavior sunk a knot in his throat, brought tears into the corners of his eyes.  
  
“Stop! Don’t say that!” Karkat had a wobble to his voice, feeling so overwhelmed in the moment, so unsure of what to do, how to fix things, feeling helpless.  
  
“It’s true! _It’s true!_ ” Dave chanted, voice growing louder again. It was almost a mantra, something he used to remind himself of his place.  
  
“Shut up! You’re amazing, you’re great-” He sucked in a breath, feeling like he was suffocating- “You’re my best friend and _I love you!_ ” Karkat’s voice cracked, a hiccup of a sob escaping him as he sat in the mists of broken glass begging Dave to come to his senses.  
  
“I.. What?” Dave spoke at an airy whisper, raising his head to look Karkat in the eye.  
  
The world felt like it stopped. Even if just for a moment.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> COMMENTS????


	9. Lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat felt like he was going to throw up. He needed to leave, to remove himself from this situation soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hahahahahahahahahhahahahahah kill me

Karkat felt like he couldn't breath. He felt like he was _ suffocating.  _

The sound of his own heartbeat was deafening, filling his head and hurting his ears from the inside out. His throat closed up, a knot forcing the tears in his eyes to grow, desperately trying not to blink to keep them from falling down his face. 

He struggled to stand, knees giving out on him before he could properly get his footing. He didn’t know what to do, didn't know what to say. He blinked, the tears built up in his eyes streaked down his cheeks, clearing his vision slightly. 

Dave looked the same, a wreck with red cheeks and tear tracks down his face, still squatting on the floor. His glasses laying haphazardly a few feet away. Karkat had to look away, had to find something else to look at. Something in his chest broke, something finally snapped into place only to shatter from the force. 

He shuttered out a silent sob, wiped his eyes, and took a deep breath. “I’m sorry,” was all he could think to say, all he could offer in the cloudy storm that was his mind. He tried to stand again, swaying on his feet slightly. 

Dave didn’t say anything, didn’t move, didn’t _do_ **_anything_** _._ Just sat and stared at Karkat, like he was expecting something of him. Like Karkat wasn’t following the unspoken script pre-planned for this moment. 

_ Karkat couldn’t breath _

“I’m sorry.” Why he said it again he didn’t know, but what he did know was that he needed to find a way out of the situation and fast. The only reply he got was a hiccup of a sob from the boy on the floor, the sound drawing Karkat’s eyes back down to him. 

**_Red._ **

The mystery was finally solved. Dave was bare before him, the entirety of his face on clear display. He took Karkat’s breath away. His head was clouded and racing, no thought coherent even to himself, all a jumbled mixture. 

Dave was beautiful. Karkat had no other word to describe him in that moment. Sitting on the floor of his kitchen, broken glass all around him, glasses off, and tears on his face. It was more he had ever seen from the boy, such a deep vulnerability etched in the lines of his face. 

His eyes were red. A vibrant deep red, one that reminded Karkat of the blood that ran through his veins. His pale skin was such a contrast, such a delicate and soft color compared to his eyes. 

Karkat felt like he was going to throw up. He needed to leave, to remove himself from this situation soon. 

But what was the situation? What had happened? He replayed the last few moments to himself; Dave had another freak-out, Karkat tried to calm him down, and accidentally told him that he loved him. Now Dave was frozen still, just  _ staring _ at him. 

Karkat backed out of the room, trying to force himself to breath, force the thoughts from swirling in his head. He shuffled into Dave’s room as fast as his wobbling legs would take him, finding his phone and shoes in haste. 

When he walked by the kitchen on the way to the front door he couldn't help but glance toward where he left Dave. Finding him now crouched hovering about the broken plates, picking up the sharp shards with his bare hands. 

He couldn’t leave him like this. Karkat knew he wouldn’t leave. 

So he walked back into the kitchen and approached Dave with cautious steps. “Hey,” He spoke quietly hoping to gain the other boys attention, but he continued to pick up the glass mindlessly. 

“Hey,” He was a little louder, kneeling across from the other and taking his hands into his own, making the blonde drop the few pieces in his hands. Karkat noticed that he had cut himself, a deep slash in the palm of his left hand. 

It scared Karkat, knowing how Dave got around blood, let alone his own. “Come on, let’s clean you up.” He spoke softly, pulling Dave to his feet by gently tugging on the hands in his. The sink was only a few steps away but it felt like miles, trying to guide a zoned-out Dave over to the flowing water. 

Dave let the water wash away the blood on his hands rather calmly, a small surprise to Karkat as he expected him to not want to go near it. His hands were soft, the contrast between Karkat’s own tan skin and Dave’s paleness sent shivers up his spine. The blood draining off of the wound also hit something inside of Karkat, the red in contrast to his light palms reminded him of his eyes. 

His shades were still disregarded on the floor. Forgotten. 

Karkat turned the water off and fetched a towel from a nearby counter top, wrapping Dave’s hand in the cloth. They both stood for a moment, Dave staring at the mess on the floor, and Karkat looking intently at the other boy. 

The tears had faded, the knot loosened. His chest still hurt, and his mind was still messy although calmer. He was at a loss of what to do, what to say. He felt stranded and alone, even with another flesh and blood person so close he could feel the warmth of his body. 

He hadn’t felt the  _ want  _ to cry in a long time. The need to vent out unnameable emotions in such an exposed way. But god damn he’d be lying if he said he didn’t want to bawl his eyes out in a dark corner right about now. 

Dave wasn’t here right now, and Karkat knew that. He just wanted to know how to fix it, how to help in any way he could. 

He felt so lost. Standing in the middle of the kitchen. No plan in mind, no way of fixing this. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> COMMENTS


	10. Consolation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave couldn’t seem to look at Karkat the same, and it was eating him from the inside out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol the next chapter is going to wreck u

They didn’t confront what happened. They just let the situation between them wither and die, never spoken about. Dave seemed to avoid Karkat after that, only acknowledging any interaction between them when he had to.

History class became tense. Karkat didn't know what to say, how to carry on and pretend that the situation at Dave's house weeks ago never happened. It wasn't something small like the beach, something you couldn't just let go of. Dave couldn’t seem to look at Karkat the same, and it was eating him from the inside out.

Karkat wanted to scream every time he messaged Dave, only to be left on read, or get half-hearted replies of one word. He tried, he could say he genuinely tried to reach out to Dave. He felt like he fucked up. He felt like he _was_ a fuck up.

He could have handled the situation better. He could have kept his cool. He's been obsessing over it, rethinking what happened, what he could have done differently, over and over, round and round. Trying to find any way to see what went wrong.

The past few weeks had been slightly lonely, he was so use to always having Dave waiting in his inbox, always wanting a conversation. Dave seemed to enjoy talking to Karkat, responding within a few minutes, an hour tops, and if he was replying late he always had a reason.

The only upside to the passing time was that Spring was finally here. He spent hours, entire weekends at the beach soaking up the sun while he floated in the gentle water. He missed the sway of the ocean with all of his body, down to his bones. The way the soft waves rocked him, the birds singing lullabies as they cast shadows when they fly overhead.

It helped with the seeping depression that the whole Dave situation left in his chest. A hole formed inside of a tight knot, a pressure that was always there even if he didn’t think about it. A gloominess in the back of his mind, always waiting even when he was happy. He could clear his mind with the sea slowly pushing and pulling him, really breath with the salt in the air.

The first olive branch Dave extended was a simple text. Something that filled Karkat with embarrassing giddiness. He was ashamed at how much he wanted Dave's attention, how much he craved being around the other boy, or even just talking to him.

TG: yo

Karkat didn't know why Dave messaged him, but he sure as hell wasn't going to question it.

CG: HEY

TG: whats up

CG: I JUST GOT DONE EATING DINNER  
CG: YOU?

TG: nothin  
TG: are you busy

CG: NO  
CG: WHATS UP?

TG: you wanna hang out

CG: SURE  
CG: WHEN AND WHERE AND I'M THERE

TG: what about the beach  
TG: at around right now

CG: SOUNDS GOOD I'M ON MY WAY

TG: cool  
TG: im already here so just come find me

Karkat was too excited. He would never admit how he rushed to get ready, the haste in the simple things, panicking when he couldn’t find his shoes. He knew Dave would be waiting for him, but something irrational told him that now was his only chance, right now was his opportunity to fix things.

He practically ran to the beach, a feeling of time slipping through his fingers made his feet move faster. He couldn't miss this, he couldn't let Dave think twice about it. He couldn’t think twice about it. What if Dave wanted to tell him that they couldn’t be friends anymore? In the past year Dave became his best friend, and he would call him that anytime if it meant Dave would feel the same.

Dave was sitting in the usual spot, just a few yards down from the entrance. He slipped his shoes off and started toward him, toes dirtying in the lose white sand. He tried to speed walk, but the unstable and wobbly ground beneath him made him almost eat shit. 

Already the sound of the waves crashing against the bank helped to sooth the anxiety growing in his chest, the salt in the air losing the tension in his throat. It was a little late in the afternoon, not far from sunset. With the days getting longer he could stay out longer, and the thought made him even happier.

He grew closer and closer, eyes fixated on the blond boy before him. Every step felt like a mile, and time seemed to slow. Only the sun, slowly sinking closer and closer to the horizon, could speak for the night approaching.

“Hey,” Dave was guarded, Karkat could already tell. Just in the way he was purposely lounged back on his hands, the tightness in his jaw, the lack of undertone to his words. They were forced and calm, not genuine and emotional.

“Hey,” Karkat came to a stop before him, hands worrying the edge of his shirt.

“You can sit down,” Dave patted the ground beside him, sending a light dust of the white sand into the air. Karkat's nodded, mostly to himself, and plopped down.

He looked out into the water, clear waves peaking and crashing against the sand. The seagulls were crowded a ways down the beach, a small child throwing bread into the air, ecstatic and fascinated with the swooping birds.

It was calm. Serene. Peaceful.

“I'm sorry.” Dave spoke quietly, surprising Karkat.

“About what?” Karkat had confusion running through his veins, clouding his mind and flooding with things Dave could possibly apologize for. Karkat's blamed himself, and couldn't think of one thing the other did wrong.

“For freaking out the other day. And avoiding you.” Dave sounded so guilty, guarded and vulnerable at the same time. How he managed to keep everything locked in and express it at the same time astounded Karkat, blaming it on the fact that Karkat knew him so well.

“You don't have to apologize. It wasn't your fault. Things happen and sometimes you react a little strangely. I've learned to help the best that I can, even if I feel lost the whole time I still want to help.” Karkat spoke every word as genuine as he could.

He could see Dave's shoulders tense, see how his hands start to twitch. He opened his mouth as if to say something, but hesitated and sighed.

“Can we go back to the way things were?” Karkat asked the question with trepidation. Holding his breath as he waited for the other to respond, every microsecond that went by felt like hours.

The sun was sinking lower and lower toward the water, the edge slipping past the horizon and sending colors through the clouds and sea. The smell of the salt in the air, the rough sand beneath him was a comfort of sorts. He loved sunsets over the ocean, the way the clear water picked up the colors bleeding from the sunset. The soft blue if the sky and ocean transformed ever so slowly into a colorful painting worth of a gallery.

“Yeah. I'd like that.” Dave nodded his head, _finally_ looking over at Karkat.

Karkat met his gaze through his glasses, the knowledge of what lay behind them put an uneasy feeling in his chest. Dave had red eyes, and Karkat wished he could see them again soon. He doubted the other would ever let him again, but he could dream.

He would stare into his eyes for years, decades if he could. He cursed himself for not being able to handle himself all those weeks ago, anger at himself for not being able to look Dave in the eyes. He wished he memorized them, cemented the bright red into his brain forever.

“I'm happy to have you in my life.” Dave let the wall down, even if it was just a brick or two. But he let Karkat see himself again, let the emotion back onto his face and into his voice, despite what little was there. But Karkat knew, and Dave knew that too.

The smile that broke out onto Karkat's face hurt. It felt like his face was going to be ripped in half, his cheeks felt swollen and red. “I'm happy you're in my life too.” He spoke with as much clarity as he could, trying to convey just how much that sentence meant to him.

Dave smiled back at him, just a small pull at the corners of his lips, but a smile just the same. “Wanna go get some ice cream?” He made to stand, holding out a hand to help the other out of the sand.

“Yeah, sounds good.” Karkat accepted his hand and allowed himself to be pulled to his feet, walking along with Dave back toward the parking lot.

He looked over at his friend, framed by the sunset behind him. The colors bounced around his figure, turning his hair into reds and pinks. The sound of their messy footsteps in the sand was drowned out by the loud ocean, its waves breathing up and down the shore. He couldn't help but smile to himself, happy in that exact moment in time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> COMMENTS I NEED


	11. Moving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He couldn't really process this. His dad continued to explain a little more, mostly to his brother who always questions everything, but Karkat just zoned out. Caught up in his own head.
> 
> He’d leave his friends. He’d leave the ocean. He’d leave everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ooooo here we go have fun lol kinda a longish chapter

When Karkat’s dad sat him and his brother down for a ‘family meeting’ he knew it wouldn't end well. These types of serious confrontations never seem to. The last time this happened his dad told them that he lost his job, before that it was about losing the house.

Karkat had to say he was scared, sitting stiff next to his brother, his dad pacing as he thought about what to say. Finally he stopped in his track and faced them, a grim look to his face.

“We’re going to move. Soon.” He spoke with sorrow in his voice, guilty to move his kids to a new school. New friends, new places, new people. Karkat wasn’t a creature of change.

His brother gasped, “What? When?!” As dramatic as always, he places a hand over his heart, making it loud and clear that he didn’t approve.

Karkat’s thought process came to a screeching halt. He didn’t want to move. He didn’t want to leave his friends. He didn’t want to leave the ocean. He _couldn’t_ leave.

“I wanted us to move before school starts, after this summer, but it might be as late as Christmas,” his dad shook his head and sighed, rubbing his forehead in a very dad way, “I didn’t want to put you in a new place after the school year started but it might take a while for my job to finalize everything.”

His brother scoffed, “This is over a job? Just get a new one!”

“And what, just buy more money? This job pays well, and they’ll pay the bills for for six months on the new house.” Dad didn’t seem to be in the mood to argue, but his brother never seemed to know when to shut the fuck up.

“Where?” Was all Karkat could think to ask.

“North. Inland probably. There are a few openings around, but they're still deciding which one to send me too.” His dad looked at him sadly, knowing about Karkat’s love to swim, his love for the ocean.

Karkat's heart broke. His chest hurt, his veins turned to cold ice.

He couldn't really process this. His dad continued to explain a little more, mostly to his brother who always questions everything, but Karkat just zoned out. Caught up in his own head.

He’d leave his friends. He’d leave the ocean. He’d leave _everything._

This couldn’t be happening. It was just a sick joke.

He felt lost, already through the five stages of grief in the half-second after his dad said the magical words. His chest _hurt_ , a bind that started to tighten, limiting his breathing. His pounding heart filled his ears, unable to register anything that was being discussed around him.

“So it’s between six to eight months, right? That’s how long we have?” He focused on the conversation again, trying to right his aching mind.

“Yes, roughly.” His dad walked in circles again, before leaving the room entirely, resulting in the two of them alone. Of course, the silence was immediately filled with his brother’s loud rambling about how this was unfair, cruel, that he didn’t want to move again.

Karkat stood without saying anything, walking past his father in the kitchen and straight out of the front door. His mind raced, and he zoned out as he walked aimlessly.

He felt like throwing up. He felt like crying. He didn’t want this, he didn’t want to leave.

He got lost in his head as he walked, thinking about everything he'd leave behind. His house, his neighborhood. His friends, the people he became so close to that he didn't want to leave.

_Dave._

He didn’t want to leave Dave. The thought was a strike of lightning through his clouded mind, snapping him back to reality. When he looked around at his surroundings he found himself outside of Dave’s apartment. Why did his feet take him here? Why not the beach?

He started up the stairs, not caring that he was uninvited, that he didn't even check to see if Dave was here. The tightness in his chest slowed him down, taking his precious time climbing up the many flights of stairs.

He stood in front of the door. Just stood, unable to force himself to knock. He should leave, he should just go to the beach. Why was he here? The heartbeat banging in his ears lightened, finally able to hear himself breathe, the birds singing outside, the occasional car drive by.

He noticed loud yelling, something akin to an argument, muffled through the door. His gut sank, and the storm picked back up. He didn’t know what was going on behind the door, but when he heard a loud crash his instinct told him to knock. He took the last few steps, knuckles raised to knock, only for the door to be violently ripped open.

It all happened too fast to really register what was going on. Someone ran into him with such a force that they must have been running, and it threw Karkat off balance. He wobbled a few steps back, only for the floor to suddenly not be there. His mind paused the moment as he felt his foot slip, knowing he would be unable to catch himself with this other person's momentum. He had a long microsecond of his brain saying “Oh, right. Stairs.”

Falling down a case of concrete stairs was not fun, and when he finally stopped on the bottom of that particular flight, he was very surprised to find nothing broken. He lay on his back for another moment, just to be sure.

He could breath, that was good. He could move his toes and fingers, although he could already feel a dew dark bruises forming.

He was surprised when Dave, glasses off and face bare, leaned into his vision, hovering over him. “Are you okay?” He asked, obviously worried and upset.

Karkat nodded, “Yeah, I'm okay. Are you?” His eyes glancing over Dave’s entire face when he wasn’t obsessively trying to memorize his eyes.

Dave's face scrunched up, and without his glasses Karkat could see the lines in the corners of his eyes. He suddenly couldn't think.

“Yeah I think I'm okay. Nothing broken.” Dave just continued to lean over him, their faces so close they could feel the other's breath.

“Why are you here?” Dave asked with his voice full of confusion. Karkat's didn't know how to answer, couldn't remember how to _breathe_.

He opened and closed his mouth a few times, trying desperately to get out any kind of response.

“I think I just needed to see you.” He said the first coherent thought that flew through his head, immediately regretting it. Dave continued to look confused, unconsciously tilting his head just a hair. “I-I just, some stuff, uh,” his brain just wasn't functioning right, “I walked over here and though I might stop in and say hi.” It wasn't a lie. He could tell Dave didn't buy the whole thing, without his glasses he was basically an open book.

“What happened?” Karkat's question was simple, but Dave knew what he was asking by the way the other's face fell, before becoming completely calm. The only thing that gave him away were his eyes, the ruby color flooded with emotions that his face lacked.

“Just an argument, nothing too serious.” His voice was forcefully calm, and Karkat knew it was bullshit. But he decided it would be hypocritical to demand to know about Dave and not share his own news.

_He was moving_

Lying beneath this boy, his eyes glancing over Karkat's own face, so close he could feel his breath, the warmth that radiated from him. It made Karkat want to cry. To bawl his eyes out, knowing that he might never see Dave again.

He wanted to tell him, he needed to tell him. He knew that. He knew he was being selfish to keep the information to himself. He wondered how devastated Dave would be.

How much would he miss him? Would he keep in contact? All the insecurities flooded his mind, all the things that could go wrong, all the things that would hurt him.

Dave suddenly sat up, putting a cold distance between them with a strange look on his face. Before Karkat could decipher what was held in his eyes, he was already looking around for something.

His glasses. Karkat's felt distaste on the back of his throat, wanting to be able to stare at him forever. Karkat's sat up and found Dave just a little ways off, the staircase wasn't that big, with his glasses in his hands. Not his face.

“They're broken.” Dave himself sounded broken, grieving for the loss of something that meant so much to him.

Karkat crawled over to him, taking the glasses from his hands. One of the lenses were cracked, and the opposite leg was broken off. “Maybe we can get them fixed?” Karkat said hopefully but ultimately knowing that they are irreparable.

Dave just shook his head, sighing and flipping over onto his back, bent in a slightly weird position because of Karkat. Because Karkat seemed to lose any kind of impulse control, he moved over so Dave had more room, moved so that he was hovering over the other in a mirror of before.

Dave looked sad and overwhelmed, and as Karkat leaned over him his face relaxed and let some of the emotions he felt show. It was a nice feeling, Dave being comfortable enough to be himself.

Dave opened his mouth as if to say something, only to close it again. “I can't _go_ get new ones. Everyone will see.”

They never confronted what happened the day Karkat saw Dave's eyes for the first time, and this was the first it had ever been mentioned between them. No matter how vague.

“I'll go for you.” Karkat said it without hesitation.

“I.. I can't stay here and wait. I can't be here.” Dave sounded so small, so unsure, Karkat's heart clenched.

“We'll figure something out.” Karkat couldn't think of somewhat to get Dave somewhere safe without going into public. Couldn't think of a way to get him new glasses without going into public.

Dave just looked at him, eyes glancing around Karkat's face. He didn't know why, couldn't figure out why being this close to Dave made him so irrationally happy. A smile almost tugged at the corners of his mouth, before he remembered.  
  
_He was moving._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> COMMENTS FUCK ME UP 
> 
> also: please note how Dave checked on Karkat and interacted with him for a while before he even thought about his glasses please and thank you bye


	12. New Glasses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He reached up and took his new glasses off, tucking them into his shirt collar. “Better,” the word itself had a smile in it, and the actual grin that broke out on the other's face took Karkat's breath away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So i'm not that thrilled on how this chapter turned out, and i'm sure you can tell in the way its written. I have the plot figured out but i need some filler chapters until Karkat moves! SO if you have any ideas you'd like to see in this story just let me know and ill see what i can do!!

“Thanks John, I really appreciate it.” Karkat went to straighten from leaning in the window of the other's car, only to be called back.

John looked confused and slightly skeptical, “Okay, what's up? You said thank you, and that you appreciate something I did. What's wrong?”

Karkat sighed, his friends seemed to know him well, or he was just an asshole. Probably both.

“Dave broke his glasses and he needed a new pair immediately, and I knew you'd be here for him. So I called you.” Karkat said it simply with a shrug, not thinking much of it. John was the only other person close to Dave, except maybe Terezi.

Karkat wondered if they had seen Dave's eyes.

John's face scrunched up, “Who are you? Where's the real Karkat?” He had a joking undertone to the question, but seems genuinely surprised.

Karkat just scoffed and walked away this time, hurrying into the building. He found Dave where he left him, sitting in a janitor closet folded in on himself. He took a moment to watch the other boy, how small he look, how scared. Of what, Karkat didn't know, but he knew he'd do anything he could to help. “Hey,” he spoke quietly, squatting before him, Dave curled up with his arms over his knees, head burrowed in his elbow. He raised his head a little, looking up at Karkat with most if his face hidden, other than his eyes. Karkat held the glasses out and watched his face brighten as he straightened a bit, taking them and perching them on their rightful place. 

“Thanks,” his voice was a little broken, and Karkat stood to help the other to his feet.

“So,” Dave paused and chewed the inside of his cheek, “What now?”

He thought of anywhere they could go to get away from here, only coming up with a handful of possible places. “My house? I don’t think you’ve ever been in my room.” Now that he thought about it, in the year of knowing Dave, he had never been in his room. In the house, yes, but only for a short period of time before they wandered elsewhere.

The walk was quite, Dave staring at his feet and Karkat rambling to himself out loud, just to fill the silence. The house was exactly how Karkat left it, something irrational in the depths of his mind expected moving trucks and furniture to be on the front lawn.

_He was moving._

He was waiting for his dad to laugh and tell them that it was a joke, that they weren't leaving. But every night his dad sat at the dining room table hunched over stacks of papers, shifting through them with a strange look on his face.  

Dave coughed awkwardly behind him, standing in the entryway to the house glancing between Karkat and his dad from behind his new glasses. Oh, right.

“Dad, me and Dave around going to hang around for a little while.” Karkat said it casually, motioning for Dave to follow him to his room.

His Dad’s reply was dismissive and stressed sounding, barely hearing Karkat through the wall of stress he was surrounded by. It made Karkat uncomfortable, how hard he worked for such a shitty job. He felt like his dad deserved something better, to do something he genuinely enjoyed.

Karkat opened the door and glanced around his room, trying to take everything in. Memorizing the place he made so many memories, where he felt safe from the world, where he looked forward to coming home to relax after a long day.

_He was moving._

One day he would never see this room again. One day it would be bare of all its knickknacks and posters, packed into boxes, unrecognizable. Maybe they’d paint the walls, pull the carpet up. Who knew?  

He let Dave into the room and shut the door behind them, turning to find the other standing in the middle awkwardly. “Better?” Karkat asked, letting a smile tug at the corners of his mouth

Dave paused for a moment, thinking hard. Karkat could tell in the way he moved his jaw back and forth, the lines in his forehead. He reached up and took his new glasses off, tucking them into his shirt collar. “Better,” the word itself had a smile in it, and the actual grin that broke out on the others face took Karkat's breath away.

How the _fuck_ was he supposed to leave.

“Listen Karkat,” Dave looks away from him and seems shy suddenly, confusing him, “I just… wanted to say thanks. For always being here for me.”

“Yeah, always-” Karkat made to reply, only to be interrupted.

“No, i mean. I got into a fight with my brother and wanted to come see you, only for you to be waiting outside my door. And I mean, sure, we fell down some stairs and I broke my glasses, but it seems like every time something goes wrong you're always there to pick me up. So, thanks. I guess.”

Karkat was stunned, unsure of what to say. It was rare Dave put his heart on his sleeve, and Karkat couldn’t think of a way to show him how much he meant to the boy, floundering for anything to convey just how much. 

“So what do you do for fun in here?” Dave asked, still avoiding Karkat’s eyes, glancing around the room.

“Usually i just watch movies,” He walked over to the edge of his bed, pulling the computer out from underneath it and booting it up, patting the space beside him on the bed, “Maybe we’ll find something we can agree on.”

Dave smiled and walked over to the boy, plopping down beside him and resting his chin his shoulder as they browsed through the movie collection on the screen.

They lay on Karkat’s bed for a while, backs against the soft pillows, and watched movies for the night. It seemed like the more and more they hung out, the more and more personal things got. Karkat could could on his hand how many times Dave bared his heart to him, and it was a surprise every time.

But it seemed to be happening more and more often. Karkat didn’t know what to think of it, what to think of the way Dave was letting him into a special place in his life. How was he supposed to feel?

_He was moving._

It’s not like it mattered anyway. He wouldn’t be here to find out, won't be here to see the end. Maybe he should start pulling away now to keep it from hurting so bad? Maybe some distance is what they needed, he couldn’t stand to hurt Dave he was the most important person to Karkat. He couldn't stand to see the boy sad, didn't want to cause any grief. 

  
Karkat didn’t want to hurt him, Dave didn’t deserve that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> COMMENTS


	13. Confession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat looked over at his friend, taking in his appearance as if it was the last time he’d ever see him. He didn’t want to leave, he couldn’t leave. Spending time with Dave here on the beach hit something deep in Karkat, something that made him completely content with life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops sorry

“You have one month.” His dad always spoke with a fatherly tone when he needed to say something without a rebuttal from him and his brother.

“One month?!” His brother sounds exasperated, probably angry that they didn’t have as much time as promised.

Karkat felt like dieing. It finally sunk in, the empty feeling in his chest swallowing him whole. He had one month. How much could he do in that time? What could he get done?

It was just a waiting game, something he had no control over, completely out of his hands, left feeling helpless. How was he supposed to live without the water? The one escape he had and he was losing it. He lived near the beach all his life, woven into his daily life and memories.

The summer was finally here, the heat and muggy air was a comfort. He couldn’t wait for all the free time he could spend at the beach, all the time in the water. It made him giddy thinking about it, but the happiness was always quickly chased away by one particular thought.

_ He was moving. _

He needed to tell Dave, he knew that. It didn’t change the fact that he was scared to.

He started putting a little distance between him and Dave, trying to be subtle about it. Instead of hanging out everyday after school he cut it back to two or three days, coming up with excuses as to why he had to be home.

They still chatted outside of school, messaging each other fairly frequently. Karkat didn’t want Dave to miss him, wanted his friend to hurt less. Maybe getting use to Karkat not being there would help, or it was his logic anyway.

His walk to school was cloudy at best, autopilot kicking in as his feet took him to class and his mind wandered. The last day, a Friday, went by fast, and he couldn’t wait for his last period, the one he held with Dave. They ended up being busy with classwork, unable to talk much about anything other than the assignment.

“Hey, are you free today after school?” Dave asked as they walked out of the school building, putting a hand to his forehead to block the glare of the sun.

Karkat chewed his lip and thought, they had already spent time together this week. But Karkat would be lying if he said he didn’t miss Dave. He craved being with him, he missed the company. “No, I think it’ll be okay. What do you want to do?”

Dave shrugged, “Whatever you want to do,” waving to a few people as they walked farther from the school and in the general direction of their neighborhood.

“You know what I always want to do,” Karkat shot back, already knowing that they were headed to the beach. He was just waved off by Dave, a dismissive flick of his hand.

“Yeah yeah, the beach, I know,” Dave didn’t sound genuinely bored, just making a scene of how often Karkat talked about it.

“I saw some dolphins the other day, but I was too slow to grab one,” Karkat mentioned it casually, surprised with Dave laughed.

“What the fuck?” He had a smile to his voice, the infectious grin on his face making Karkat beam too.

“What?” Karkat asked, confused as to why that was so funny.

“You’re a weird kid, yaknow that?” Dave bumped into Karkat with his shoulder, more contact than the occasional brush of a hand as they walked.

Karkat didn’t dignify that was a response, just scoffed and turned his head away dramatically. Dave chuckled lightly, and Karkat’s heart clenched. He just couldn’t seem to figure out why Dave seemed to infect him with butterflies sometimes, and it was always out of nowhere.

_ He was moving. _

Maybe he’d never find out. Maybe he’d move and the feeling would stop. Did he make Dave feel the same way? He doubted it, it was something he labeled strange, something he could never bring himself to tell the other.

“So, what’s wrong with your dad having a stick up his ass lately?” Dave asked, dropping his bag and toeing off his shoes. Karkat did the same, following his friend into the white sand of the beach.

**_He needed to tell him._ **

“I need to…” Karkat let the statement trail off, really really not wanting to tell Dave, scared of leaving him. Maybe if he never acknowledge it, it won’t happen.

“Need to?” Dave echoed, clearly confused.

Karkat looked over at his friend, taking in his appearance as if it was the last time he’d ever see him. He didn’t want to leave, he couldn’t leave. Spending time with Dave here on the beach hit something deep in Karkat, something that made him completely content with life.

And he was losing both of those things. The ocean. Dave.

How could he cope? What would fill that space?

“I need to tell you something.” Karkat couldn’t stand to look at him anymore, guilt eating him from the inside out. He sat in their usual spot, plopping down and watching the water as Dave sat beside him.

“I need to tell you something too,” Dave spoke hesitantly, clearly wondering if their topics had anything to do in common.

“You go first,” Karkat really didn’t want to tell him. How could he?

“No, you brought it up first.” Dave pointed at him, clear in his peripherals. He still refused to look at him.

Seagulls dotted the sky, riding the breeze off of the ocean surrounding with the smell of salt. The small birds picked at the periwinkles at the bank, running away as the waves chase up and down the wet sand. No one was here, only Dave and Karkat.

A few clouds blocked the sun giving them a few minutes of shade. When Karkat finally turned to Dave, he had his glasses off and tucked into his shirt, eyes squinting slightly, showing the wrinkles in the corners. He looked happy, even without a smile his face screamed joy.

“Same time?” Karkat asked, hoping whatever it was Dave wanted to talk to him about would distract him and cause a long drawn out speech from the boy, as he does with most things that excite him.

“Okay,” Dave seemed to think they were on the same page. Karkat felt bad for being in a different book altogether.

“Okay, count to three,” He wanted to die, Karkat wanted to be swallowed by the ground and leave all of his responsibilities on the surface, left to hibernate for a millennium.

“Okay. One, Two, Three... “ Dave took a breath, “I love you too-”

“I’m moving-” Karkat stopped short with his mouth open, staring at Dave with astonishment clear on his face.

Dave looked like a deer caught in the headlights, his features uncovered and open for Karkat to read. Except Karkat suddenly couldn’t read him. Even with his shades off.

Time seemed to still, seconds felt like hours as they sat and just looked at each other, both unsure of what to say.

“What?!” Dave exclaimed, exasperated, throwing his hands in the air, “What the fuck?!”

“Dave, listen, I-”

“No, nope. I’m not dealing with this situation right now.” Dave put his glasses back on his nose, standing and walking off. Karkat let him go, unsure of what else to do, what else to say.

Dave ** _loved_** him. And Karkat was _leaving._

The Next Day

Karkat thought long and hard about what happened on the beach. He couldn’t think straight. He spend all Saturday morning in the ocean, floating on the surface and riding the gentle waves. The salt stuck to him and made him smell like the ocean all day, the seagulls flying overhead would give him a second or two of shades before the warm sun was back on his skin.

Dave loved him.

He wondered what kind of love. Did Dave love him like a friend? Or was Dave romantically interested in Karkat?

Did Karkat like him back? He thought about how excited he got to see Dave. How he loved being around him, how he made Karkat happy. He thought of the butterflies in his chest, the irrational giddiness when Dave takes his glasses off around him. How comfortable he was around Dave, not scared to be himself.

Maybe he did love Dave. It sounded like all of  the symptoms of love that he found in his movies and books, and he cursed himself for not realizing sooner. Why did he have to move? He was almost graduated, almost old enough to live by himself. Why couldn’t he stay here and be next to Dave?

He wondered if Dave was thinking about him. And if he was, about what? How upset was he at Karkat for freezing up and not saying it back. He fucked up, he should have let Dave go first.

But what would have happened? Dave said it, Karkat said it back, they share a kiss. The thought made Karkat’s face heat up, burning more than the sun on his skin. What about when he moved? When would he have told Dave, if not then? Would he wait until the day he left? Would he tell him immediately, let Dave distance himself and get over him easier?

Karkat was an asshole. 

He got out of the water and toweled off, pulling his phone out. 

carcinoGeneticist, [CG] started pestering, turntechGodhead, [TG]

CG: ARE YOU OKAY?

TG: yeah

CG: THAT SOUNDS FAKE BUT OKAY

TG: just leave it man

TG: when?

CG: A MONTH

TG: when did you find out?

CG: ….

TG: what the fuck

CG: I DIDN’T WANT TO TELL YOU

CG: I THOUGHT YOU’D BE BETTER OFF NOT KNOWING

CG: I THOUGHT THAT IF I PUT SOME DISTANCE BETWEEN US IT WOULDN’T HURT AS BAD

TG: is that why you’ve been weird lately

TG: were you purposely ignoring me and avoiding me

CG: NO

CG: WELL

CG: I GUESS

CG: IT SOUNDS A LOT WORSE WHEN YOU PUT IT LIKE THAT

TG: whatever

TG: its chill

CG: BUT IT’S NOT AND I KNOW THAT, DAVE

CG: HOW CAN I MAKE THIS UP TO YOU?

TG: its fine man

TG: i get it

TG: you were trying not to hurt me

TG: im not as fragile as you think

TG: i can survive without you

CG: I DIDN’T MEAN IT LIKE THAT AND YOU KNOW IT

CG: STOP TWISTING MY WORDS

TG: where to

CG: NORTH, SOMEWHERE INLAND

CG: MY DAD DOESN’T HAVE THE DETAILS YET

CG: HIS JOB IS SO SHITTY TO HIM

TG: that sucks

TG: no more ocean

CG: YEAH

CG: LISTEN, DAVE

CG: ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID AT THE BEACH

TG: stop typing

TG: its okay

TG: just forget about it

CG: I CAN’T JUST FORGET ABOUT IT

CG: YOU MEAN A LOT TO ME DAVE, I DON’T WANT THIS TO RUIN IT

TG: i keep telling you that it’s chill

CG: AND I KNOW YOU WELL ENOUGH TO KNOW THATS HORSE SHIT

TG: you dont know me dad

CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP AND STOP TYPING

TG: no

CG: PLEASE JUST LET ME TALK

TG: nope

CG: LISTEN TO ME DAVE

CG: I’M BEING COMPLETELY HONEST AND GENUINE WHEN I SAY THIS

turntechGodhead, [TG] stopped pestering, carcinoGeneticist, [CG]

turntechGodhead, [TG] blocked, carcinoGeneticist, [CG]

  
_ Failed to send: CG: I LOVE YOU TOO _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment please


	14. Leaving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His phone went off and he did nothing short of scrambling over to it, heart in his throat at the thought of it being Dave. The caller ID showed his dad, and Karkat sighed knowing what this call meant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry

Weeks went by in a flash, Karkat felt like he was losing time.

He felt like he was _losing_ _Dave_.

He tried everything in his power to see the boy, to talk to him in any way. But without the daily routine of school anymore, getting up with him proved to be difficult. He blocked Karkat on every social media, and every time he asked John or Terezi about him their answers were cryptic and unhelpful.

_He fucked up._

The move was so close, and the house was unrecognizable, photos in boxes and furniture slowly depleting as the moving trucks show up once a week. All that was left of Karkat's room was a mattress on the floor and his computer.

He hated it, the reality of the move still felt fake. But it couldn’t be a joke anymore, not with the evidence clear in the empty house. His dad seemed to be slightly better, without a dining room table to hunch over every night the darkness under his eyes lightened.

He was the opposite. Karkat felt like he wanted to sleep for the rest of his life, just pause time and gauthier himself without the world moving on without him. He tried to talk to John, to Terezi, to anyone that could give some kind of news on how Dave was doing. He was worried, he needed to talk to him. He couldn’t leave on these terms.

Karkat sighed, he knew he fucked up. He knew that. But it didn’t change that fact that it happened, and now he had to deal with the consequences.

He didn’t deserve Dave, he knew that.

His depression was eating him alive, blaming himself for the whole situation. The move only added to the weight, knowing that soon he would never see the ocean again, never hear the seagulls, feel the salt in the air.

He felt like death. He felt like dying. He felt useless, a burden on everyone around him. All he did was cause pain, grievances. Maybe one day he’d change, but for now he really didn’t know how.

He hadn’t even told his other friends, knowing that they would hate him when he left. Or maybe they’d be grateful that he was gone, such an ugly existence swiped clean from their future. In reality he just didn’t know how, he didn’t know what to say other than ‘I’m moving, goodbye’. They hated him now, and he deserved it.

He wanted Dave to talk to him, he _needed_ Dave to talk to him before he left. He was going crazy sitting around with his phone on loud and his movie on quite, anxiety eating him as he tried to do anything to pass the time that wouldn’t soak his phone in salt water.

Fuck it. He was going to the beach, he’d see the message when he got out of the water, if Dave even texted him.

The water was a nice cold contrast to the muggy heat outside, and Karkat just sat on the bank and let the waves roll over his legs. He could feel the sand being slowly pulled from underneath him, a force controlled by the sea. A few people were out, it was mid-day in the middle of a heat wave, the beach was a nice escape from the sun.

The sky was dotted with the occasional cloud, a storm on the horizon slowly crawling it’s way closer and closer. By nightfall it would be over them, blotting out the moon and making the dark feel sinister. Karkat hated storms, the sea was alway hectic afterwards.

In all this time he didn’t think of anything to say, just knowing that he needed to see Dave. Would he tell him he loved him? Would he not say anything at all and let Dave rant and yell to him? Would he do something drastic in the moment?

The thought of a love confession kiss sent heat through Karkat like a wildfire, his cheeks burning in the hot sun. Of course his love sick mind would go there, all the romance movies and novels finally let him to this place. The joking thought of him being prepared for this, all of the ‘research’ finally paying off.

His phone went off and he did nothing short of scrambling over to it, heart in his throat at the thought of it being Dave. The caller ID showed his dad, and Karkat sighed knowing what this call meant.

“Hello?” He answered the phone, his distaste of the situation clear in his voice.

“Karkat, it's time to go. Come home.” His dad was short, and immediately hung up the phone knowing that Karkat would try anything to get out of what was about to happen.

The walk back to his house felt like hours, every step aching his bones and crushing his chest. He didn't want to go. He couldn't leave.

When he walked up the front steps he stood at the door, unable to bring himself to open it. This wasn't his house anymore. It didn't feel like home, unrecognizable, leaving a sick feeling in his stomach.

The door opened for him, his dad standing in the doorway with a grim look on his face. “How was your visit?”  His voice was bland, knowing that the answer would be pessimistic and heartbreaking.

“Yeah,” was all Karkat had to say, not wanting to burden his dad with a speech about leaving the only thing that made him happy. Well, one of them.

He was leaving Dave.

Carrying the last few bags to the car felt like torture, felt inhuman at how hard it tugged on his heart. One last look through the house to check if they got everything, having to face the emptiness. Karkat wanted to die, he wanted to stay. He didn’t want to leave he didn’t want to go away.

They drove in complete silence, deafening silence. His ears rung with the street noise, watching the city he was leaving forever slowly through the window. It started to rain, a light drizzle as the sky grew darker with the nightfall combined with the clouds.

Airports felt wrong. Gathering their bags and loading them onto a cart, one by one in the cold rain. Time seemed to drag on, the world slowing as they grew closer and closer. A sign outside the sliding doors caught his eyes, a 'no shoes, no, shirt, no service' poster plastered to the concrete wall. Karkat was in charge of pushing the cart, having to swerve past people in a rush to get nowhere, having to use all of his force to get the wheels over the edges in the different tiles.

It was bleak looking, beige walls and chairs everywhere. He didn’t know why there was a gift shop, no one would buy souvenirs from a dingy small town like this one.  People were either meandering or in a rush, weaving through the people just standing around. Some were in comfy wear, some in business attire. He heard the unmistakable sound of someone running in flip flops, mentally wishing them good luck on their travels with humor.

  
They sat for a while, just waiting for their plane to board. It was excruciating, just sitting. Waiting. He wanted to talk to his friends, tell them he was leaving. Get one last hug. He never thought he’d crave this, their attention as much as he did at this moment. He wanted to stand and run out of the front doors, run and never look back. Where would he go?

_Dave._

Maybe one day they would see each other again, Karkat was graduating soon. Maybe he’d move back here, see his friends one last time before everyone went their own ways for college.

He didn’t hear it, too lost in his own head, but his flight was called over the intercom, only knowing when his family stood and motioned for Karkat to follow. He unloaded the bags onto the conveyor belt as his dad got the tickets, mindlessly tossing them without care.

The walk down the jet bridge was crushing, seeing out of the windows how far up they were, slowly walking onto the plane. Karkat sat by the window, staring out at the city they were slowly leaving behind. Soon he couldn’t see it anymore, lost in the distance through the dark clouds as they flew further and further.

Karkat could feel the tears, the sorrow seeping into his bones. He couldn’t think, just let them streak down his face in silence, not willing to accept what was happening. He wanted to bawl his eyes out, scream and make a scene. But he knew that would fix nothing, would only break his pride. Maybe that's what he needed, he already had too much pride to begin with. That was why he couldn’t tell anyone but Dave.

  
He left _everything_ . He left **_Dave._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to torture you: can you guess who was running around in the flip flops? 
> 
> COMMENT


	15. Over the Phone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It had been two months since they talked, two whole months of silence after a year of nonstop connection. It left Karkat feeling empty, lonely. Discarded and unwanted, he fucked up and he knew it. He just wondered if it was forgivable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed one sentence in the previous chapter, i added "A sign outside the sliding doors caught his eyes, a 'no shoes, no, shirt, no service' poster plastered to the concrete wall." This also ties into the 'flip flops' mystery, sorry!!

Sure, the house was nice, big open floor plan, one story. Karkat’s room was bigger than it was at his old house, but he still missed it. It wasn’t the same.

Only two months into summer and Karkat didn’t know anyone, wouldn't meet anyone until the school year started. He spent his days locked up in his room, binging movies and avoiding any kind of social interaction.

His friends were angry at him, most contacting him within a week of the move, all upset that he never told anyone. He deserved it. A few told him that they already missed him, that they would continue to miss him, but he doubted that. They were better off without him.

He’d been in this new place a month now. He didn’t think he could stand it much more. He felt numb, apathetic to the situation. He tried to forget about it, drowning himself in the books he collected but never had time to read.  

His depression was eating him alive. Nice sunny summer days, but they meant nothing without the sea. The upper class neighborhood they moved in had a pool for the residents, but Karkat couldn’t bring himself to go. No matter how much he missed the water, he wouldn’t go, no one there being worth the trouble.

Maybe he’d meet someone new. Maybe the same thing would happen, he would meet someone and they became best friends, maybe more. The idea was almost revolting, just the thought of trying to replace Dave with some stranger.

But Karkat knew he didn’t want that, he knew that he wouldn’t forget about Dave for a long time. He wondered if Dave missed him. He doubted it, if he did he would reach out some way, any way. But his phone still remained blocked from contacting him, cut off on every platform he could reach. Unless he made new accounts, but that felt wrong. Dave would talk to him when he was ready. If he ever would be. Karkat thought of himself as too needy, wanting Dave like this. Craving the other boy, almost every day wishing he was back home.

He thought about how he didn’t want to go to the pool all that time ago. The day he meet Dave, how something so simple changed his life forever. He wanted with all his body to talk to him, to see him, to touch him in any way he could. He wanted to look the boy in the eyes and tell him he loved him.

It had been two months since they talked, two whole months of silence after a year of nonstop connection. It left Karkat feeling empty, lonely. Discarded and unwanted, he fucked up and he knew it. He just wondered if it was forgivable.

How long before they stopped saying his name, telling stories about something they did together? How long would it take for those memories to be replaced? He was second guessing going back after he graduated. He made it out of that town, and otherwise he probably would have stayed.

So many people told him about how they swore as a teenager that they would get out, go somewhere better, but they got stuck. The reasons were usually good ones, starting a family, getting a decent job. He didn’t want that to happen to him.

Plus he doubted anyone would want to see him, by then everyone would have moved on, become different people, grown with each other. Without Karkat there to change with them. He wanted to change for the better, stop being so numb and become happier. Become one of those people that you couldn’t be sad around, someone who enjoyed life.

But as of right now? Karkat wanted to die. He didn’t feel like his life was the same, that so much had changed. It wasn’t _his_ life anymore.  He didn’t want to live here. He didn’t want new friends, he didn’t want any of this. It was infuriating, the feeling of helplessness, hopelessness. No control of the situation, the worst kind for a control freak like Karkat to be in.

His mind was filled so much he couldn’t think straight, so much that it seemed calm with how much he couldn’t grasp himself. It was so nice outside today, the sun shining with a breeze. But he couldn’t bring himself to leave his room, the only exceptions being the bathroom and kitchen.

He thought secluding himself would help, give him time to grieve for his past life. Give him time to deal with his thoughts, get his mind right. But it just seemed to worsen, without any distraction he thought himself into a slump, and further.

If he died here would anyone back home realize?

His phone lit up, making him jump in his skin before scrambling for it, ultimately knocking it off of his bedside table, having to get up and walk over to it. The picture was of John, smiling with a birthday gift in his hands. Karkat sighed at the memory, they had been so young and it seemed so simple then. It was the first birthday party Karkat went to willingly.

“Hello?” He asked, answering the phone cautiously. Already he could hear commotion on the other side of the phone, distant screaming of multiple people.

“Karkat! Thank god, listen I can’t explain much, but i’m going to hold the phone up to Dave and I need you to calm him down-” John sounded panicked, but Karkat needed to know what was going on.

“Wait, hold on, what’s going on? What happened?” Karkat was already thinking of all the things that could have gone wrong, what could have happened in the time he’d been gone.

“Okay, I said i’ll explain later but the gist is: Dave is doing one of his scary freakouts and none of us know what to do, so they’re holding him down and i’m going to hold the phone-”

“No! What the fuck? You’re holding him down? That’s just going to make it worse!”

“Karkat listen, he attacked- No, I promise i’ll explain later but I _need_ you to calm him down. _Please,_ ” Without any warning he heard shuffling then Dave’s voice, broken and exhausted.

“Get off of me! Let go! I didn’t do it!” His screams were loud over the phone, and a knot was already forming in his throat, faced with the situation that he couldn’t help his friend.

“Dave!” Karkat called out, hearing the boy’s breath catch in his throat. “Dave, I need you to breath, remember? Just like we practiced, in and out. In and out.” He heard a hiccup over the line, something akin to the beginnings of a sob.

Karkat had tears in his eyes, having to hold his hand to his mouth to keep from letting the other hear his shuttered breath. He wasn’t there, he couldn’t help Dave. He couldn’t hold him and wait it out, he couldn’t look him in the eyes and remind him of where he was.  

“K-Karkat?” His voice was just a whisper, his voice was hoarse as if he’d been screaming for a while.

“Dave-” His voice broke, “I’m right here. You’re right here with me. I need you to listen, look around. You’re here, you’re right here.”

“But you’re not.” Dave’s voice was soft and grief filled, and Karkat couldn’t hold the tears anymore, letting them flow around his cheeks as he choked on his breath.

“I know Dave, I know.” He had no idea what else to say. He heard the background voices calm down, could hear rustling in the microphone before Dave’s voice was louder, assuming that they let him up and was holding the phone himself.

“Why aren't you here? Where are you?” Dave sounded so confused, so concerned as to where Karkat was. A sob ripped itself from deep in his chest, wanting with every fiber in his body to be next to him. To hold him. To never let go.

“It’s okay Dave, don’t worry about it. Can you tell me what happened?” Karkat wanted to know if he was okay, wanted to know exactly what happened. Did they let him up? Was he holding the phone? Is he sitting up or just lying down? Did he still have his glasses? Who all was there?

“I-I don’t… I’m not sure. Can I come see you?” Dave asked it with shyness in his voice, clearly embarrassed and ashamed about what had happened.

He had to tell him that he couldn’t. He had to remind Dave that he left, that he moved, that they hadn’t talked in months. He had to tell Dave that he wouldn’t see him for a long time, if ever. Karkat wanted to throw up, he wanted to hang up and let the people there with him break the news. He didn’t want to face Dave, not like this, not after all this time

“I miss you.” Dave’s voice was so quiet he almost didn’t catch it. He could hear voices in the background, hear someone try to get Dave’s attention.

“You should go home, Dave. You need to rest.” Karkat had to swallow down the aching, the absolute pain in his heart. He wanted to hold Dave, to comfort him in person, to look in his eyes.

Something evil in the back of his mind told him he deserved this, it was his punishment.

“But-” Dave went to start, being interrupted by something on the other end of the line. He heard the shuffling of the phone, desperately wanting to know what was happening, wanting to _be home._

“Okay, hey Karkat,” John’s voice sounded strained, probably very shaken up by the whole fiasco.

“Hey,” He knew John could hear the tears in his voice, only now wiping them from his face.

“I’m really sorry… about this. We didn’t know what else to do, you seem to be the magic thing that brings him back from wherever he goes.” He sounded of genuine despondent.

“No it’s,” Karkat coughed, trying to dislodge the pain from his chest, the knot in his throat, “I’m glad you called me.”

“Yeah?” John seemed surprised at that.

“Yeah.” He wanted to know everything, almost as bad as he wanted to hang up the phone and block John’s number.

“Well… It looks like Dave is back to his senses.”

Karkat just nodded, knowing John couldn’t see him. “Don’t take him home right now, take him somewhere he’ll feel safe. He needs to rest.”

“You got it.” John hung up the phone, leaving Karkat with an empty feeling in his chest.

This was a different kind of torture. He was sure that God hated him.

Having to tell Dave that they couldn’t see each other. Knowing that Dave didn’t want to talk to him, but was put in a position where he had to without being able to control it. A position where he wasn't all there, wasn't able to make those kinds of decisions.

The hardest part was knowing that Dave really didn’t want to talk to him. Had ignored him for two months, was so angry he couldn’t even talk to him through their mutual friends, telling them to keep quiet. But to hear him, so vulnerable, so needy, in his moment of weakness, begging to see him, made him want to get on a bus and go home without looking back.

He cried. He outright sobbed, let it all out for the few minutes after the phone call, unable to think of anything else to vent. He felt awful, depressed, swallowed whole by the down right _need_ to be with Dave in person. The longing he felt in his soul.

His whole body ached, his mind a storm of rolling thunder, unable to calm the waves at all, get any coherent thought out of the current.

_He deserved this._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comment??? tell me how much u hate me???


	16. The Fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat stood again, bracing himself against the railing. He breathed. Smelled the salt in the air. Felt the mist from the unsettled waves crash against his toes, feel the soaked wood under his feet. Looked out into the dark storm, the last of the sun resting below the horizon, creating a drastic darkness in its wake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter!!!

_ Ten Months Later _

He drove more than 13 hours straight, only himself and the radio for company. He tried to think of nothing other than getting to his destination, nothing but the road ahead of him. But like always, his brain decided to betray him. 

What if they didn’t want to see him? What if they forgot about him? Would they even still be in town? 

He lost contact with everyone within the first few months of being north, everyone slowly losing the need to interact with Karkat, losing the initiative to reach out without the convenience of him being there in person. It had been maybe three or four months since he talked to Terezi and Sollux, a little longer than that for John. 

His birthday came and went, with no one to celebrate it with other than his Dad and Brother, they made his favorite meal and a small cake. None of his friends messaged him, no one contacted him to wish a happy birthday. He felt selfish to be upset by something so small, so meaningless, but it still hurt. Birthdays meant a lot to him, that you were happy the person was born, happy they were alive to be in their life. 

It made him feel like no one remembered him, no one knew of his existance anymore. 

He zoned out as he drove, let autopilot kick in and his instincts take him where he needed to go, take him  _ home.  _ He packed most of his things and left, knowing he needed to be there, something in his bones aching for the sea, for his old friends. 

He hadn’t talked to Dave since the phone call all that time ago. 

The school year was over, the last day of his senior year being the longest day of his life. He graduated at some unknown school, wasn’t able to graduate with his friends, the people he grew up with all his life, the people he loved. Instead his name was called amongst strangers, only his brother in the crowd to cheer for him as he walked the stage and received his diploma. 

He didn’t befriend many people, only acquaintances that he would work on a project or sit with at lunch. He didn’t feel the need to get to know them, to be apart of their life, despite the hole in his chest, the numb loneliness. He read every good book in the school library, got a job in the public one a few blocks from the house. He spent more time caught up in ligature in the past months than he had his entire scholastic career. 

It was an escape for him, submersing himself into someone else’s life, their story. It was the only thing that could bring some kind of light into his life, the only thing to look forward to in the long days. He slowly ran out of books though, and had to resort to online shitty free books, but they were something. 

He was alone for most of the time, without anyone asking to hang out or wanting to spend time with him outside of school. Everyone had already made their friends groups, had grown up with each other for years. Karkat was new, and angry at the world, filled with the absolute void in his soul full of longing and dread. It ate him alive, the ringing in his ears at the lack of conversation, how his voice would grow hoarse from not talking for days. 

The first glimpse of the ocean he got was over a bridge, overlooking the bay. He rolled his windows down and breathed for what felt like the first time in ten months. It had been too long. Once he could smell the salt in the air he knew he needed to swim. He could say goodbye to his friends later, if they even wanted to see him. The thought hurt him, a strike of pain through his chest as he remembered that none of them had talked to him in months. 

He took the long way through town, taking his time and trying to absorb all the memories, the feeling of being back where he belonged. The parking lot by the ocean, the one near his old house, was empty, and he left his keys in the car. He wouldn’t need them anyway. He left his shoes near the entrance, and it reminded him of all those times before, leaving the same shoes in the same spot a thousand times. One more was all he needed. 

He couldn’t help but try and sprint into the water, proving to be difficult in the loose white sand. But he managed to make it, immediately splashing and diving under. When he broke the surface again he couldn’t help but smile, feeling the warm sun on his face, the push and pull of the waves, the sand at the bottom as he stood on his toes. He missed the ocean with all of his body, a craving months in the making finally quenched. He could taste the salt already, feel it sticking to his hair and stinging his eyes. 

This is where he belonged. 

He floated for hours, swimming laps back and forth parallel to the shore. The sky was dotted with dark clouds, a perfect storm blocking the sun that was dripping into the horizon and coating the ocean with an array of colors. The seagulls were hectic, preparing for the oncoming weather, and Karkat had the privilege of petting a few stingrays as they swam by. 

He knew he wanted to say goodbye to his friends this time. Make up for when he left, maybe they could forgive him. He hoped so, but as night drew closer and closer he second guessed himself. Was it worth it? Would it cause more harm than is already done? He didn’t want to hurt anyone, that’s why he kept quiet in the first place. 

He wadded out of the water and walked back to his car, the light sand sticking to his feet as he padded over the concrete. Taking his time as he toweled off, he wondered if Dave still came to the beach after Karkat left. They had spent a lot of time together here, but it was usually Karkat’s fault. 

They spent so much time near something Dave was deathly afraid of.  _ For Karkat.  _

He wondered if Dave still loved him. 

He walked back down the beach, thanking his stars that the dock was still in place, meaning his plan might work out after all, especially with the storm approaching faster and faster. He took his time as he walked, meandering down the shore, feeling the cold waves flow over his feet before receding back. 

The wood under his feet felt so right, so familiar in his times of being somewhere different and not _ here. _ It was poetically beautiful to watch the sunset from behind storm clouds, sitting on the edge of the wood with the waves crashing against the rocks below him. 

He set an alarm on his phone and climbed the railing, sitting and swinging his legs in the open air, feeling the first misty drops fall from the sky. He made up his mind already, he wasn’t good at goodbyes anyway. 

He slipped down to the other side, the wood soaked and slippery, and he waited. Feeling the cold rain fall and soak his hair, leaning his head back and letting it calm him. The sound of the ocean was getting barbaric, upset by the storm and restless. No animals could be heard, all hiding from what was coming. 

But for once Karkat wasn’t hiding. He was going to face this head on, he had already thought about it too much, planned it perfectly. 

Except he didn’t get to his goodbyes. 

He wanted to hug Dave, look into his eyes just one more time. He wanted a goodbye kiss. 

Maybe he wouldn’t go through with it if he did, and the thought scared him. 

The sound from his phone startled him, whipping his head around to stare at the slowly breaking device, diying from the rain. It wasn’t the sound of the alarm, but instead a ringtone. He hadn’t heard it in so  _ so _ long. 

He didn’t care anymore. Sudden apathy flooded his body, making him feel spiteful as he swiveled back around to face the sea. He didn’t want to know who it was, it wasn’t worth it. He wasn’t worth it. He didn’t deserve it. 

The ringtone stopped, only to start back up again. And again. The fourth time Karkat sighed and plopped down on the small outing past the rails, uncaring of his safety in that moment, and reached through to grab his phone. 

_ Four (4) Missed Calls From: Dave _

Something sick rose in Karkat’s throat, something that made him want to scream until he couldn’t anymore. He felt like he was going to vomit, like his heart was swallowing him whole. His brain couldn't fully process it. He wanted to pull his hair out, to grit his teeth and punch a concrete wall. His mind clouded, not entirely unsure of what he was feeling, just knowing that this couldn’t be happening. It was just a sick joke, his phone was malfunctioning from the rain. Why? Why now? Why now out of all this time? Why did God hate him?

The reminder that Dave hadn't talked to him, had him blocked on every platform Karkat could try. He thought of the last time they talked, how Dave begged to see him, how Karkat wasn't there to help, to hold him. The was Dave sounded so small, so vulnerable in his moment of bared weakness. The last bit of information on how the boy was doing, the last contact during Dave's anger. Was Dave still angry at him? Why was he calling? He decided he didn't really care. 

He despised Dave in that moment. Irrational burning hatred. It swallowed his vision, his heart pounding and mind as torn up as the sky. Memories of them raced together through his head; the first time they meet, the first time Karkat spent the night. Waking up next to him, eating breakfast on lazy weekends. Walking around at night, all of their deep conversations, all of the lighthearted jokes. The first time he saw Dave’s eyes. 

He wanted to cry, he had felt so alone, abandoned, blamed himself for so long. And when he finally,  _ finally _ came to terms with the fact the Dave would never talk to him again,  _ here he was _ . At the worst time possible, at the one moment Karkat wouldn’t pick up the phone. The moment he decided, he made up his mind, he couldn’t go back. 

The sound of the alarm brought him back from the moment. It was time, and Dave wasn’t going to stop him. He didn’t deserve it. 

Karkat stood again, bracing himself against the railing. He breathed. Smelled the salt in the air. Felt the mist from the unsettled waves crash against his toes, feel the soaked wood under his feet. Looked out into the dark storm, the last of the sun resting below the horizon, creating a drastic darkness in its wake. 

He let his arms fall to his sides. He breathed, clenched his hands into fists and  _ breathed. _

He took a step forward, where there was no more dock, The crash of thunder sounding suspiciously like his name. 

He let himself fall. The last moment of feeling the crushing weight, the breaking force from hitting the waves as they accept him, pull him into the depths.

**_He breathed._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment either here or on the next chapter (the authors notes!)


	17. Authors Notes

Wow, it’s finally done! Almost seven months in the making, and I had so much fun writing this.

I would like to thank everyone for their loving comments, giving me the drive to continue producing chapters. Without you I probably would have given up a long time ago.

Now, I am planning a sequel!! (insert gasp here)  

It will be this exact same story, but from Dave’s POV! All of those mysteries that were never solved? Well, they will be with time! (Please comment some of them that you think of, I might skim over a few.)

It should sound like completely different stories, as I tried my darnedest not to hint at Dave’s physiology at all in this POV, sticking to Karkat and his feelings. Also, there should be some differences, as things that are memorable to Karkat might not be for Dave, or vice-versa. Tell me some stuff you would like to see in the next addition!!  I already have a few ideas of different and new experiences between them, some that Karkat might not think that it's important, but meant something to Dave! (like how I might skip over a chapter in this story as it wasn't notable to Dave!) 

I’d like to say that the ending will be explained, and i’d also like to apologize for the cliffhanger. I know how frustrating they can be, but I trust that you will come up with your own in the meantime. That’s what I really want, is the feedback from what this story made you feel, what you want to see from it in the future.

Also: I will be going through the first few chapters and revamping them, I feel like my writing style changed halfway through so i want to fix that!

Also p2: I would like to leave a very special shout out to my dearest friend TheSurvivedRose, for all of the love and motivation you gave me. Every comment you left hit me in my heart and i appreciate the attention and support you have given my stories. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart <3

Please feel free to comment, I love hearing any thoughts you have!

Fanart!! Think i’ll hate it? Think again!

Did I inspire you to write something? Show it to me, i’d love to read it.

Again, thank you so much.

  
Happy 4/13 <3


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